Games Kill!

Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
-Marcus Brigstocke

So I saw this gig on "60 Minutes" about how bad computer games are, how they corrupt children and drive them into a life of crime. The target of their blathering? Grand Theft Auto. Now, for those of you (like me) who have never played this game, it's all about being a criminal. You break out of prison, grab a gun, kill some cops, steal some cars, kill some more cops and other random people, etc., etc. You're a bad guy, you're a villain, and you don't give a shit about anything or anyone. Actually it sounds kind of boring, but hey -- it's just not my cup of camellia sinensis.

Now, to the issue at hand ... people are blaming this game for a crime that is very similar to the game. This kid who, while incarcerated, grabbed a cop's gun, shot the cop, then another cop, then a 911 dispatcher, then took off in a cop car. Supposedly this is very similar to one of the scenarios in GTA, and the kid played the game. One of the cops' brother is a methodist minister with some Generic Church of Fist Shaking Zealots, and speaks out against the game:

"Why does it have to come to a point to where somebody's life has to be taken before they realize that these games have repercussions to them?"
-Steve Strickland

Okay, Steve, how about we ask that question again, but make a small change?

"Why does it have to come to a point to where somebody's life has to be taken before they realize that practicing religion has repercussions to it?"

What do you say, minister Strickland? But, I digress on that particular avenue of thought, though. Picking on religion is too easy.

Let's take a look at statistics, shall we? Grand Theft Auto had sold more than 35 million copies as of March of '05. Now, let's be generous and say that TEN crimes have been commited because of this game instead of just one ... we're looking at a whopping 0.0000003% of the people that bought the game, and that's rounded up!

The point, which has been made my many before me, is that if someone commits a crime -- a violent one at that -- because of a game, they'll do it for any reason. They would do it because of a movie, they'd do it because of the Sunday funnies, and they'd probably do it because My Little Pony told them to. It has absolutely nothing to do with the game, it has to do with the individual being fucked up in the head. Of course, it's so much easier to push blame onto something we don't like to begin with, isn't it? Well, my fucking turn, so step aside.

I think the reason these kids commit violent crimes is because of stupid people. I believe the blame lies with people who can't type three sentences without making a blatant grammatical error or spelling mistake. I believe the blame lies with people who can't utter twenty words without making themselves out to be idiots, perhaps with people who sniff glue, or maybe even with people who take part in organized religion. Well, not only have I found the cause of all our problems, I have the solution! Put a huge fence around a state without worth -- Iran, Israel or possibly Kentucky -- and give them all computers with Grand Theft Auto. According to the devastating numbers provided by the nay-sayers, I'm sure they'll all kill eachother in a week, maybe even less.

Grow the fuck up, people, and take some god damn responsibility for your own actions and idiocy. The blame lies first and foremost with the disturbed individual that allows themselves to become "trained killers" from playing computer games. Secondly I'd say the parents play a pretty important role in the degeneration the kids that perform these horrid acts. Third I'd put the very generalized term "society." This world is a fucked up place to be, but we're kind of stuck with it. However, allow me to reiterate, it is the fault of the person who pulls the trigger or breaks into the car. It's really that simple, folks!

As a child I played PacMan. I did not go out and eat pills and fruit, then flee from ghosts. Later on I played Kung Fu, yet I did not run around kicking and punching people to death. I have played ultra violent games like Doom, Quake, Street Fighter and Mortal Combat, but I have not yet killed or even maimed a single person. In fact, in 28 years I have yet to take or throw a punch. And no, playing Lemmings didn't make me want to blow up little furry critters, either.

The very notion that an average human being can be so affected by a game is not just ludicrous, it's insulting, and anyone who thinks even for a split second that this is the case should be curbed (see American History X if you don't know what I'm talking about).

I don't actually think for a moment that most of the people that oppose these games actually believe that the games are to blame. They're suing the makers and marketers of the game, and I question why this is. Can they really put prices on their loved ones' lives? Seriously, does anyone here think that Walmart and Gamestop should pay millions of dollars to the families of the victims because some psycho kid bought a game from them? Ironically I could go to Walmart and buy a gun or knife and kill a dozen people, and Walmart would not be held responsible at all, but oh my fucking god, how dare they sell a GAME? Are they out of their minds? Tell me I'm not the only one who finds this line of thought to be completely idiotic, please!

Anyway, I would continue this, but I just played Diablo 2, and I feel this great urge to go out and cast lightning storm spells on random people. If I don't write any more for a while, look for me on 60 Minutes.

Vegetarians -- The Other White Meat

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

So, vegetarians ... Here's a breed of people I don't understand. I mean, seriously, who came up with the idea of eating only vegetables? As I understand it, there are a few different groups of human herbivores, too ...

Vegetarian: the good, old, plain vegetarian -- will not eat any meat products, and the stricter ones won't even eat eggs. Some choose this lifestyle because they simply don't like meat, and them I can respect. I don't eat shit I don't like, either (look forward to a blog entry about the evils of tomatoes). However, there's another group of people that insists on not eating meat and other various animal products because they "feel sorry for the animals." To those people I can only say this: we're at the top of the fucking food chain for a reason. Ever heard of the food chain? Don't worry, I'll explain it later. However, you will often find these people wearing animal products, such as leather shoes, jackets, etc. They drive cars with leather interiors, and work in places that sport plenty of dead animal parts. Perhaps they're not as fanatic as we sometimes think ... or perhaps they're just stupid.

Now, there's also the vegan. This is the suicide-bomb-fanatic version of the animal lover, so fanatic that they will not eat any animal products, nor will they wear or purchase anything which causes any pain to animals, or even slight discomfort. Milk is out of the question, because it comes from cows, and all that crap.

Now, let's discuss the logic behind these lifestyles ... back to the food chain, shall we?

The sun heats the earth, and with this energy and photosynthesis plants can grow. The plants are the producers, and they are at the bottom of the food chain. From here we move onto the consumers. At the very bottom of this long list we have primarily insects which eat the producers (plants), and other herbivores, ranging from fish and birds to cows, elephants, etc. Above the primary consumers we have the secondary consumers, which feed off of the primary consumers -- these would be the animals that eat other animals. This continues to tertiary consumers, and so on up until we get to ... that's right, the top of the food chain: humans.

Earth and its nature has spent aeons developing this carefully structured and well designed plan -- this ecosystem -- so I only have one question for die-hard vegetarians and vegans: who the fuck made you god and told you that you have the right to screw with Mother Nature's plan? 4,000 MILLION years ago the right combination of molecules happened to bump into each other to form the first building structures for life as we know it. Maybe 505 million years ago the first vertebrates start swimming around, feeding off of plants and each other. About 100,000 years ago the first humans start walking around beating up all the other apes and various tasty animals. Now you come along and decide that all that was a mistake? We've been doing it wrong all this time? Well, if that isn't proof that not eating meat prevents neurons from firing in the brain, I don't know what is.

The whole "cruelty to animals" harangue is getting really old. If you want to see true cruelty to animals, turn on the fucking TV and flip to the Discovery channel. Take a good look at that cheetah as it digs its fangs into the neck of an antelope, lapping up the fresh blood pouring from the veins of its victim until the antelope is dead. How's that for cruelty? Maybe you should also take a good look at the polar bear, see how it sits over a hole in the ice, waiting for a seal to come up for some air ... then clamp its jaws around the seal's head before it paints the ice red with seal blood. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch a polar bear mother cave in a seal birth lair to feed her young with the delectable seal cubs. Now that's good eating!

Of course, there's the "we're better than that" crap. Fuck your faux moral superiority! We shouldn't be separating ourselves from nature, we should be part of it! Humans are part of the eco-system, and without us, everything would go amok! You hear about what happens when even the smallest part of the ecosystem gets wiped out? The entire chain collapses. Now, what the hell do you think would happen if you took out the primary hunter from that equation?

No, let's do Mother Nature one worse, shall we? Not only will we stop controlling the population of secondary and tertiary consumers, we'll start eating the food of the primary consumers like a gaggle of good vegetarians! Yeah, that's a good idea! Or ... maybe it's not. Let's see ... the animals that are just below us on the food chain would thrive because we wouldn't be controlling the population (you know, like nature intended), then they (lacking our moral superiority)would start whittling down the consumers below them, and so on, and so on until the pyramid stands upside down. What happens to an upside down pyramid? Use your imagination. It falls. It crumbles, cracks, crashes and all that's left is a foundation of rubble ... a foundation on which a new era of species can begin. Who knows, maybe the dinosaurs can get a second chance? They may not have been the smartest beasts around, but they made for some good cinematography.

I think of vegetarians and vegans like I do of fanatic religious zealots -- let them do what they want as long as they keep me the fuck out of it. Come to think of it, I'm actually all for vegetarians and vegans, because when the food chain finally collapses from underneath us and we have to resort to cannibalism, vegetarians in their weakened, malnourished, protein-deficient states will be easy prey. Perhaps I'll end up on the Discovery channel wearing vegetarian-leather boots, chasing down a hemp sandal wearing vegan, and you can see me sinking my teeth into his neck ... Yum.

Bitter?

Stuff that's been said about me ...

"You're funny. You're a great guy. If you weren't so god damn bitter, you'd be fine."

-D. Vladd

Leave the Lesbians Alone

Ever noticed how modern, "enlightened" males hunger for one thing more than anything else? Lesbians. They want to be with lesbians, they want to find out that their girlfriends are lesbians, and they hope to be part of a love-triangle with two, or other geometrical shapes with more, lesbians. Well, there's just one logistical blunder here; lesbians don't want them. Perhaps it's just that they are uneducated and do not understand what the word "lesbian" means? I would love to think that it's just stupidity that is to blame here, but alas, I doubt it.

Think about it, guys, if you were in a relationship with a lesbian (a highly unlikely situation, since most of you have problems getting laid with someone who tends to lean towards sexual encounters with your gender, let alone someone who wants nothing to do with you because you have a cock), what would you do with her? Would you both sit at a romantic, candle lit dinner, drink some wine and talk about women neither of you can have? Perhaps you'll discuss the top ten female models and how you'd like some intimate time with them, maybe watch some "Girls Gone Wild" video, then go off to each your seperate rooms to have sex with your own appendages? Yes, that sounds like a fun and rewarding relationship.

Guys, of course, will tell you that "she's only a lesbian until she meets the right guy," or spout the vomitous phrase which by itself disproves the presence of a divine plan: "She just needs a good dicking." No god would allow for this kind of senseless waste of neurons. So, maybe I'm wrong, maybe some stupidity is involved here. Seriously, people, are you really that omni-idiotic and/or delusional that you buy into your own bullshit to this extreme level?

My hope -- no, my desperate hope -- is this: the majority of guys in this world are aware of their sexual limitations, aware of the threshold between what is, and what will never be, and they are content with this. Men who "love" lesbians are actually conscious of the fact that they will never be the proverbial meat in a lesbian sandwich. So why then the persistence? Because they find it exciting to watch or think about while they do what they'd be doing anyway: performing the act of self-pleasing.

The utterly baffling part is that most of the guys who are like this are the most homophobic if, and only if it's a man-on-man action. Perhaps this is why they love lesbians so much, because then they don't have to see cocks in action.

While I am sure that Freud would have been able to go on for hours on end about the psychology behind man's attraction to lesbians, fear of the phalli of their peers, envy of size and sexual prowess, oedipal angst towards their own fathers ... I, on the other hand, will just state the obvious; you're a bunch of fucking idiots.

You may have noticed that, throughout this post, I refer to men as "them" instead of "us." Why? Because I'm fearful of being a memberof a class which so willingly embraces its own faults and phalli.

Sirens of Medusa

Yes, you know the ones that turn living flesh into stone with their voices alone.

Ben Franklin said, "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade." Contrarily I submit to you, that if the sundial is wrong, keep it in your closet.

I'm talking about singing here, folks, if you didn't catch it with my topic and starting line. There seems to be an overabundance of people, these days, who for some reason believe they have a talent for singing, or even if they don't, profess to sing regardless. Why? If "American Idol" is to blame, then that "show" just jumped to the top of my "Reasons to Take Over the World So I Can Squelch Shit" list. However, I'm not talking about TV shows, I'm not talking about bad artists who release CDs when they should be working on their suicide notes instead (I mean people like you, Corey Feldman, whose sole contribution to this world was a handful of crappy movies in the 80s -- put the fucking microphone down and start writing. You even sucked in The Goonies). I'm talking about your average Joe. I'm talking about the neighbor who insists on sharing his auditory equivalent of rat vomit with the entire neighborhood. Listen, buddy, I don't care if you got laid last night, STFU -- my ears are not equipped to handle such abuse.

Listen, I don't fart in your face, I don't apply a cheese grater to your ass, I don't drip sulfuric acid in your eyes, so why do you have to sing whenever I'm near? You know who you are.

I don't sing near you, do I? I don't even sing near myself! I have no singing skills or talent, and I'm completely willing and able to admit that. Just because every street bum in dozens of musicals are capable vocalists doesn't mean you were born with such an aptitude. Trust me, you are no melodic prodigy any more than I am. Why don't you just, like I did, admit your shortcomings and move on to something that won't offend your fellows.

Until you're willing to either a) take voice lessons and keeping your disharmonic assaults to your soon-to-be-impaired tutor, b) get a surgical procedure performed that might improve your voice (let's say ... a tracheotomy, perhaps?), or c) shut up, I hereby officially curse you with laryngitis. Have a nice day.

Proper English: Try it once, you might like it.

The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
-Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951), Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (1922)

Now I know this makes me strange and all, but is it so much to ask that people learn to speak and write their own fucking language? Dyslexia aside, I see more and more high school graduates -- and worse, college graduates -- that can't spell simple words. As you may or may not know, English is a second language to me. I learned to speak English in a foreign country, and moved here after that fact. Thus you may find some odd grammatical mutations and spelling mistakes throughout my posts. However, and you may feel free to disagree with me on this one, I do believe that you will find these freak errors to be fairly infrequent.

Let's start with spelling, shall we? First, can we stop slaughtering words on purpose? It's "you," not "u." I know it's pronounced the same, and it saves you time to cut two letters out of the word, but trust me -- your time isn't that fucking valuable, and what you have to say isn't that fucking good that I'm willing to sit through your slaughtering the English language to read it. If you can't be bothered to spell out whole words I can't be bothered to pay any attention to your drivel. Also, just because two words sound the same doesn't mean they're spelled the same. "Our" and "are," you will find, are two completely different words with two completely different meanings, and neither are spelled "r."

The appalling part is that people are taking this ignorance into the work place. I've just recently seen people applying for jobs, using cover letters that are so packed with mistakes that it really leaves me with the impression that the applicant is a moron, and if I have any say in it, the resume and cover letter go right into the shredder. If running a spell checker is too fucking much to ask, then a job is too much to ask for, that's right.

Now for punctuation. I don't expect everyone to put two spaces after a period, I don't expect everyone to remember to put the comma before the end quotation mark, and I expect people to not know how to use a semi colon. I do, however, expect people to use punctuation, PERIOD. Pun intended, fucking deal with it. I also expect people to stop using multiple exclamation points and question marks, because it's annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you think????????????????????????? You sound like a desperate crack addict looking to give head for your next rock. Slapping 20-30 additional punctuation marks after the last sentence doesn't make up for 7 paragraphs of failing to use any. If you can't make yourself understood with a single exclamation point ... well, use your fine command of the English language and shut the fuck up.

Finally let's talk about uppercase and lowercase letters, shall we? You know, the "big" and the "small" letters? For one, DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING, AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. secondly, don't ignore the shift key completely, i don't like it. I's (the pronouns) are always uppercase. If hitting the shift key at appropriate times is too complicated a task for you, then find a better use for your keyboard ... say, hitting yourself over the head with it until you a) bleed and b) are incapable of doing so.

Language is what makes us different from animals. Well, that, proper bipedal locomotion, an opposable thumb and the ability to learn rather than working from instinct. Regardless, without language we'd still be beating rocks together for entertainment, more than which a few of you neanderthals out there do not deserve. Some people say language is an art. I disagree. It's no more art than a paint brush. It's what you do with language that makes it art.

I took time to learn your language. Your turn, asshole.

Tax Non-Smokers!

So, I'm driving home from work when some anti-smoker commercial comes on the radio, and it's talking about second hand smoking. Apparantly this is when a non-smoker inhales the smoke from a cigarette being smoked by another person near them. Research shows that second-hand smokers inhale about 10% of what the actual smoker inhales. What the fuck is this? Why do they get to smoke for free, while us real smokers have to pay through the nose? Well, I for one have had enough of you moochers, and I want to start getting some money back!

Okay, let's look at the evidence. A pack of cigarettes, on average, costs around $5.00 (I live in NY state, we tax everything to death in these parts). Around 31% of that is all taxes going to the state. Now, $1.55 of my pack of smokes goes to the state. Let's say I smoke a pack a day, that's $565.75 in a year.

Now, let's look at non-smokers, A.K.A., Mooches. They smoke 10% of my smokes for free. However, the actual cost of smoking 10% of my cigarettes comes out to around $182.50. Thus, I propose the following:

1. Non-smokers are taxed $182.50 per year, while smokers like myself only pay $383.25 in taxes, which comes out to 21% instead of the %31.5 we have now.
2. Non-smokers are forced to pay retribution for the years of theft they have been doing. I've been a smoker for around 10 years, which comes out to around $1,825.00. This money is to be taken from the incomes of non-smokers over the next 5 years.

Do you have any idea what would happen if everyone quit smoking? Would it be a beautiful world to live in? No, quite the opposite in fact. All the money that we're paying to the state on a yearly basis would be gone, and the state doesn't like to lose money, so that means they start taxing other things. There's a proposed tax increase on cigarettes now with which they seek to increase the states' tax revenue by around $175,000,000.00. How? By increasing the cost of a pack of cigarettes by $0.45. This, assuming that my math is correct, means that they're already getting over $600,000,000.00 from cigarettes alone. Now, can you tell me with a straight face that Big Brother would wave good bye to that money and not go digging elsewhere? Increased gas prices, sales tax, income tax, etc? If you can, then you my friend are either the best liar I have met to date, or you need to be bludgeoned with a stick until you stop moving, because such stupidity deserves the death penalty.

"But the state would save money on hospital bills!" you say? Okay, let's look at more facts ...

Proposed fact by anti-smoking propaganda: Smoking will take 10 years off your life expectancy.

To quote Dennis Leary, "Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!?"

Funny, but there's some truth to it as well. How many Senior Citizens do you know that contribute to the economy? Beyond retirement, not a whole fucking lot of them. That is, of course, unless they're forced to get a job because the money they do get from Social Security is a joke in itself. Don't get me wrong, I think old people are great, and I feel no need to ship them off to labor camps in the Ukraine, but facts are facts.

Now, let's say for a moment -- hypothetically speaking, of course -- that every smoker quit smoking now, and added 10 years to their lives. That's 10 years for around 46 million people. How much does a non-productive citizen cost this country in a year? Around $12,000.00? Well, the numbers are in, and we're talking about $552,000,000,000.00 (Five Hundred and Fifty Two BILLION DOLLARS). Now, compare that to the amount supposedly spent on hospital bills by the state.

Okay, so we know how much quitting smoking will cost us, let's go digging for some numbers ... how much is the annual health care cost for smoker's? Well, per a report back in late 1998, $72,000,000,000.00. Let's add some inflation, and let's be generous, shall we? We'll add $28,000,000,000.00 to that, adding up to a total of One Hundred Billion Dollars! Wow, that's a lot! Well, if you compare it to the $552 billion that quitting smoking would cost, we're still missing $452 billion. Add to that the loss of taxes, and suddenly this whole quitting smoking thing isn't looking so cool, is it?

Well, what do you say? More than double your taxes, or stop your fucking whining and propaganda, and let us smokers kill ourselves if that's what we wish to do? It seems fair to me.

Oh, and I expect my check for $1,850.00 in the mail by the end of the month. Fucking mooches.

Who would win?

If Mr. Brawny and Mr. Clean were to battle it out in an Arena of discord, who would win? My bet would be on Mr. Clean. Why? He doesn't look Canadian.

Who would win in a battle?

Brawny Guy Mr. Clean

What's the rush?

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
- Chauncey Depew (1834 - 1928)

Okay, color me puzzled, but what's up with all the excercise freaks running around these days? The sun just came out from its hibernation, the days are growing long and warm, and people want to ... run? Did I miss another national idiot holiday memo?

The thing with excercise is that it's ... well, painful. I see people out killing their knees first thing in the morning by jogging, their faces warped with pain, their legs screaming for mercy, and these people have somehow convinced themselves that they're going to live forever because of this practice. Of course there are the less painful variations which are great if you don't want to look like a fucking idiot. Power-walking? What the hell is this? While I haven't actually done any research on the subject, I have witnessed the act, and what I can tell is this: you arch your back so that your shoulders are actually behind your feet, stick your ass out as much as possible, flex your biceps and stiff-leg it around the park a couple of times. Am I getting this right? And this is good for you ... how?

Then there's the backwards-walkers. I was standing outside my place of employment one day chuckling at the people jogging on a nearby path, when I see an old man walking backwards. Not only that, he was power-walking backwards. As it turns out, this is another fad that's supposed to be good for you. Sure it is, if you want head trauma. Of course, if you're performing this ridiculous task, chances are you are already suffering from head trauma. I wanted to walk over to the old man and tell him, "!uoy revo skcab rac a epoh I ?!gniod uoy era lleh eht tahW" A friend of mine, who goes to a gym like an idiot, told me that there are actually people who go to the gym to walk backwards on a treadmill! I wish these people would go backwards hunting, instead, so they could shoot themselves in the head!

We Hates Them, Precious!

Sadly I could not find a proper quotation that fits my topic of the day: car alarms. Sorry.

How many times have you sat comfortably in your couch or chair watching your favorite show when some asshole's car alarm goes off for no particular reason? Not only that, but the car alarm will continue to go off for several minutes before it automatically shuts off. Now, how many times have you seen cops or the owner actually respond to the car alarm? What the fuck is the point of having an alarm on your vehicle if you or the cops or your security agency refuse to pay any attention to it? Just so you can be an annoying ass in posession of a security system with a value double of the pathetic thing you call a car? I extend my middle finger in salute to your extreme lack of brainpower.

Now, if I decided to install an alarm on my vehicle and it actually went off, I would go out to my car, turn off the alarm, then check the vehicle for any damage. Forgive my assumption, but I thought that was the whole fucking point of the idiotic device to begin with? Of course, after having had to get dressed and go outside to do this in the middle of the night a few dozen times, I would then perform a quick uninstallation of the device with the RTFTOASOI method. For those of you who may not be familiar with this procedure, it means "Rip The Fucking Thing Out And Step On It."

A note for the insurance companies out there, I have a plan to reduce your expenditures. Stop reducing insurance rates for people who have car alarms installed, raise them instead. Let's call it an "Asshole Fee." The results of this action are as follows:

1. Road rage decreases once people don't wake up from idiot neighbors' car alarms going off in the middle of the night. A good night's sleep makes for a happy driver. A happy driver won't try to force someone off the road causing damage to multiple vehicles -- damage you have to compensate for.
   
2. People aren't tempted to go out in the middle of the night to key someone's car because they won't shut off their fucking alarms.

You want a car alarm that works? Get one that fills the car with cyanide gas or electrocutes the person driving off with your car. Get one that speeds the car up to 90mph, then makes a sharp right turn. Get a car alarm doesn't make a fucking sound unless it's the death rattle of the guy trying to hotwire your truck. Get a fucking car alarm that sends 50,000 volts through your pathetic body if you don't shut it off within 2 minutes, and rid the rest of us of your stupidity.

Thank you for your compliance in this matter.

Sincerely,
-Tired

Spankings -- Not just for adults anymore!

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)

It is truly amazing to me just what kids get away with these days. I hate to sound like an old fart, because I'm not even 30, but when I was a child ... well, children had more respect for their parents, and anyone considered a grownup. Why? Because the grown-ups held all the power, as well they should! Grownups held the power, they could order kids around, they were the ones in charge, and if you chose to dispute that fact ... well, they had lots of ways to remind you that yes, they were in charge.

So, I'm at the pharmacy one day to pick up some stuff, and I'm waiting in line. The pharmacy has kindly placed some scratch-lottery vending machines near the blood pressure machine thinger for those who have to wait a while. I, having learned (through experience) that those things never pay off, am still fascinated by their promises of riches and their blinking lights. There's a woman standing in front of me, her child (let's call him Damian, for the lack of a better name) is running around being annoying like children often do. The child runs over to the blood pressure machine, which is clearly labeled: "This is not a toy, do not let children play with this machine." Well, as it turned out the woman in front of me either couldn't read or couldn't give a fuck if Damian got his arm horribly mutilated. To be honest, neither could I. However, he was being annoying. Damian sticks his arm into the blood pressure machine labeled "This is not a toy," and starts pressing random buttons, because -- like his mother -- he also could not read. Eventually he hits the green button that starts inflating the arm cuff, and the machine says with a woman's voice, "Please sit still and do not talk." Look at that, the machine has more parenting skills than the bitch in front of me. However Damian, who is obviously not used to listening to anyone, turns around and looks at his female guardian type person (I refuse to call this waste of flesh a mother) and says, "What it say, mommy? What it say?" Apparantly teaching ones children to speak isn't part of parenting these days, either. Anyway, she tells Damian, "It said shut up and sit!" Actually it was more like she barked it. I could tell, her canines were showing.

At this point the machine had gotten a firm hold of Damian's arm, and Damian tried to pull his arm out, whining like ... well, a kid with his arm trapped by a machine. The female guardian type person, heretoforth referenced as "bitch," simply repeated her previous request for Damian to be still and quiet. Damian listened this time like he did the first time -- not at all. I stood there, part chuckling, part wanting to crack the bitch's head open with a bottle of vitamines, and I beheld the spectacle as it played out right in front of me. One of the pharmacy's employees looked over to see what the fuck was going on, and I thought to myself, "Finally! Someone will come out and yell at this kid and woman!" But alas, she simply went back to her pill sorting. Eventually the kid's arm was released, and he could now go on to more peaceful activities ... like trying to shove a Teenage Pregnancy pamphlet into the scratch lottery vending machine. He got it almost all the way in there before it got stuck. He also managed to remove it ... well, most of it, anyway, a corner was torn off. Can you guess what the bitch did? Absolutely fucking nothing! I couldn't believe it! If that kid had been me, I would have ... well, for one I wouldn't have acted like a demon on caffeine, but my parents also would have prevented me from being such an annoying little fuckwad.

What the hell is wrong with parents these days? I understand that spanking your child in public may not be the best idea, because you'll have cops taking you out like you were a columbian druglord carrying a bag full of papal heads, but come on! Speak to the child! Hold the child! Duct tape the child to the underside of your car if that's what it takes, but don't let the damn thing give me a headache!

Another happy little story from this very night. I'm at the grocery store, and I get to the deli counter. The deli has a neat little system with little paper tickets you get from a machine that, when you push a little lever, spits one out at you. This machine, by the way, fucking hates me, because every time I go to get one fucking ticket, it gives me half of one, or one and a half, and it just can't give me the one that I actually wanted! All I want is a number so I can get my fucking ham and cheese, is that so much to ask for? IS IT? Anyway, that's a different story ... so there I am, getting ready to face my opponent, the ticket-spitter, when I see a little boy playing with it. His father is standing nearby observing this oh-so-cute behaviour ... the kid pulls on the lever, and it spits out a ticket. The kid takes it. "Cool," I'm thinking to myself, "this guy has his kid trained to fetch a ticket for him. Maybe I will get me one of these kid things after all! I didn't know they could be trained to fetch!" But no ... the kid pulls the lever again and takes another ticket. The kid pulls the lever again and takes another ... then another ... and another. Finally, figuring that this asshole parent-wannabe isn't going to do anything, I go up to the kid and say, politely, "Excuse me," and reach in and grab the next ticket that pops out. I said "excuse me," like I was talking to a real person, not a small demon's immitation of a human being. What I wanted to say was "What the fuck are you doing you little asshole? Run over to your dad and ask him to kick your ass for me, and give me those fucking tickets!!"

Is that what this all boils down to? Grown-ups who were raised like actual people having to treat these little terrorites (yes, that's right, I said terrorites -- it wasn't a word until now) with courtesy and respect? Well, add another fucking tally to my board of "Things I hate about this fucking world"! No, make that two, because the parents piss me off, too! Actually make it three, because the parents might actually do something if it hadn't been for the dumbfucks that dictate that "If you are an adult, you are not allowed to touch a child unless you are a member of the clergy ....... Oops."

I miss the good old days of wanton corporal punishment. While I was never actually spanked as a child (my dad simply saying "I am very disappointed in you" was enough for me to break down anyway), there were times I should have been. I say we re-introduce Mr. Cane and Ms. Paddle to the educational system. Perhaps that way we could also reduce the amount of teacher strikes and lack of teachers in America.

Say it with me, folks: Spankings -- not just for adults anymore.

Danger: safety devices installed.

Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden

In yet another effort to make this little planet of ours a friendlier environment for non-Darwinists (i.e., people who are too stupid to live, yet continue to do so), governments and the private sector are making the world a safer place. Cars are safer, play grounds are safer, schools are safer, and -- get this -- even guns are safer now than they ever have been. There's safety scissors, safe and edible glue, anti-scalding devices, corner and edge bumpers, outlet covers, and things to child proof your home that you never knew you needed. Do we need all this? The answer is, of course, NO.

Here's what you do to child proof your home: keep a fucking eye on your children, people! If your kid is in need of safety-scissors, edible glue and anti-scalding devices, chances are what they really need is a parent with half a fucking clue and an attention span greater than that of a chinchilla on a caffeine high.

There are cars out there that will take the impact of driving straight into a brick wall at 60 mph. and still leave the driver alive. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? If someone is stupid enough to hit a wall at 60 mph., I don't want them driving on the same roads that I'm on! Is this so hard to understand? It's not the unsafe cars that scare me, it's the unsafe drivers that we need to eliminate, and the only way we can do that is by getting rid of the devices which keep them alive! On a separate topic, you know what really annoys me? People with bumper stickers that read "The Lord is my Co-Pilot" on cars with 24 air bags and a fire control system in the back seat! If God wants you to die horribly in a car wreck, who the fuck are you to argue?

Now, back to the subject of this post ... we child proof everything these days, and that which is not "proof-able" is made taboo. Climbing trees, for example. There are kids out there whose parents will not allow them to climb trees. They'll even go to the extremes of cutting branches or taking down the entire tree in order to "child proof" their gardens, just in case the kids don't listen to them. If you're waiting for a punch line, there isn't one, I only wish I was joking. COME ON! Kids are meant to fall down! That's how they learn to not do that stupid thing which caused them to fall down again! It's called "learning from your own mistakes," people! And those kids that don't learn from their own mistakes ... well, if they die, that's a future Enron or Adelphia scandal nipped in the bud, because if they don't learn now, chances are they're not going to start anytime soon. Our prisons are full of examples of this!

You know how people say "what if someone could go back in time and kill Hitler as a child?" Well, what if someone could go back in time and remove the outlet covers in the houses of the Columbine kids, huh? Not only would we have prevented one of the greatest disasters known to happen in an American school, we also would have prevented Michael Moore from making another movie, and if that's not a worthy endeavor, I don't know what is!

However, this increasing knack we have to cater to stupidity isn't just affecting how we drive, build our houses and raise our kids, it's sucking the fun out of life in so many more ways. Take hot dogs, for example. I know, I know, weird example, bear with me for a moment. Those of us who are old enough to remember good ol' Reagan when he was president may also remember that hot dogs just tasted better back then. Why is this? Fond memories of simpler times, fresher air and hippies begging for Twinkies on every street corner? No, not really. Legislation has been passed repeatedly over the last couple of decades which bans, restricts and otherwise prevents use of certain chemicals in food processing. These are the very same chemicals that made food taste better. That's right! But no, they're "not safe" enough for us, so we have to deal with sub-standard tasting, over-processed, safe hot dogs.

Another thing that particularly pisses me off in winter time when colds and flus lurk around every corner ... cold and cough medicine. "Non-Drowsy, alcohol free, feel better so that you can go to work and continue to be a good employee" medicine. Screw that! I want drugs that knock me out and take away all my motor functions until my cold is gone! If they've made the medicines so much better, how come I still feel like crap when I take it? I don't remember feeling this bad when I was a kid ... know why? Because I don't remember my colds when I was a kid! I got cough syrup that tasted like crap and put me in a coma for a week and a half, and if such a thing was still available, I would be chugging like an American Football fan at a tail gate! Beer-bongs? Fuck that, give me an old fashioned NyQuil-bong any day of the week, that's where the real fun is to be found!

I go through the med's isle at the local super markets looking at the labels ... "Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery." Who gives a flying fuck? I want one that says right on the front, in big, bold, red letters: "Bi-pedal locomotion not a good fucking idea, kid!"

I remember when I was a child, a happy young lad with a knack for falling down, falling over, and just plain falling. I found the fastest way down the basement stairs, I invented the most efficient way to get off of a horse, I figured out the secret behind stopping and dismounting a bike in a single motion, and I even took some shortcuts down from our plum tree back home. I've been electrocuted, I've been cut (mostly by myself), I learned the hard way that the door handle is there for a reason -- it makes it easier to leave the house without breaking down the door with your head -- and I've used it ever since. I have multiple scars caused by everything from broken glass to exercise equipment, and even a car. When I grew up there were no such safety devices like those you are expected to buy today (else have your children taken away from you), and somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive ... Neener.

Warning: Stupidity May Induce Ridicule

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

WARNING: This post may cause heart failure, stroke, epileptic attacks, increased blood pressure, lowered blood sugar, bleeding of the eyes, rectal explosion, diarrhea and brain damage. The author of this post is not responsible for any or all illnesses, injuries or bad luck caused by reading this post.

There, now that the obviously necessary disclaimer is taken care of, what is up with the stupidity anymore? Ever notice how everything has a fucking warning label? You buy a cup of coffee, and it says "Caution! Contents may be hot!" Well, I would fucking well HOPE so, that's how I ORDERED it! The sad part? IT'S NOT HOT! It's luke warm at best! Go buy a meal from McDonalds or Burger King and you'll find your hamburger to be room temperature, your fries to have no more heat to them than abucket of fresh piss. Why, you ask? Because some imbecile spilled coffee on themselves or decided to give themselves a taco-facial, then sued the owner of the establishment because they weren't warned that that may not be a good idea!

Are we really this fucking stupid? Do we not understand that we're not supposed to take a steaming hot hamburger and rub it on our genitals? Do we need a warning label for that? How about coffee? Is it beyond our realm of logic conclusion that pouring coffee on our cocks is going to HURT? If it is, then I say we fucking well DESERVE the pain! Microwaves, thanks to some inbred hick freak who tried to dry her toy poodle in one, now have to have warnings in the manual stating that one should not put live animals in microwave ovens because it may kill them. No shit? God damn, I'm glad I found out, and so is Sparky!

Toys, if you haven't looked at them recently, ALL have warning labels. A toy scooter was found with a warning label that says: "This product moves when used." Forgive my incredible ignorance, but wasn't that the whole fucking point? "Caution: flammable!" ANYTHING is flammable if you have enough heat! Why do we need flame retardant teddy bears? So that Baby's First Bic Lighter doesn't turn out to be a bad idea?

Toilet brushes that state "Do not use for personal hygiene," vending machine tacos warning us that "content may be hot when heated!" I wouldn't be surprised to find a beer bottle with a huge warning on it reading: "Caution, breaking this bottle over someones head, then stabbing them repeatedly in the face with the shards may cause injuries."

To be fair, I don't blame the labels, they don't annoy me. I don't even blame the people that put the labels there. I blame the asshole idiot that 1: was stupid enough to do something that idiotic with a harmless product to begin with, and 2: didn't have enough fucking shame in their bones to shut the hell up about it, but decided that they had to sue someone for it! Well, I'm sorry that looking into the action-end of a nailgun to see if something was stuck lost you one of your eyes, I truly am. Next time put it BETWEEN them to see if THAT works better! If nothing else, you'll at least save the rest of us some grief.

It's not just labels, you know. The asswits have also gotten into my precious cigarette packs to make a "safer cigarette." Safer? Oh, they're not talking about tar and nicotine and all that good stuff, they're talking about the actual fire part of it! Get this, they changed the paper they use to make cigarettes to not burn as well so that, if left alone, they'll self-extinguish. They found that too many people were falling asleep with their cigarettes lit, burning themselves to death. You know what that is? Natural fucking selection! Darwinism at its finest! Weeding out the idiots before they do too much damage to the rest of us! But that's makes too much sense, so now I have to re-light each cigarette three times unless I power-puff it.

Okay, an analogy if I may be permitted ... a herd of antilope are out on the African savannah (or wherever they may roam) one fine afternoon, grazing and getting some action behind a tree, having a drink at the watering hole maybe, when some lions show up ... one of the antilopes walks up to the lions to see what they want. What does nature do? Here, I'll even make it multiple choice for you.

[a] Negotiate a peace treaty between the lions and the antilope
[b] Slap a warning label on the lion which states: "Caution: this animal may attack you, leading to bleeding, crushing of the head, clawing of the anus and possibly death"
[c] KILL THE FUCKING ANTILOPE

The answer, if you haven't figured it out by now, is c. Nature doesn't fuck around with the weakest link, duct taping it back together, it eliminates it in the cruelest and most efficient way it possibly can!

If someone drinks some Raid, you may find a warning label on the can that reads something to the effect of: "Induce vomiting, see a physician immediately." What it SHOULD read is: "You make me want to vomit, see a fucking bullet."

Oh, and PS.
As much as I abhore lawyers, don't try to blame this one on them. If people had brains enough to not stick a fork into a plugged-in toaster, lawyers wouldn't have a job.

PPS.
Pepper spray cannisters are labeled: "May irritate eyes."

PPPS. A co-worker of mine just showed me a bag of toasted almonds ... it has a warning label that reads: INGREDIENTS: Toasted blanched sliced almonds. Contains the following allergen: Almonds.

Evil Bastard

Yes, yes I am. People know this to be a fact. People count on this like they count on the Simpsons entertaining them on a weekly -- nay, daily basis. So, knowing that I'm an evil bastard, why would anyone divulge information that may be abused in horrible ways, let alone a picture! Everyone knows that a picture says more than a thousand words, so why would anyone point me in the direction of a possibly incriminating image of themselves?

Because it's too easy, and he knows I like a challenge, maybe. Seriously, don't you think this is too easy? Yes, yes ...

Don't worry, be happy ...

The energy you devote to being annoyed brings you nothing of value in return.

-- Ralph Marston

Oh, kiss my ass, Ralph. The time I spend being pissed off (not annoyed, I haven't been annoyed since I had to get a fucking job and pay my own bills -- I'm way beyond annoyed at this point) is time well spent keeping my sanity from completely slipping away. It's a requisite for adult living.

Anyone else tired of "cheery"? You want to know what I really hate? Tough shit, I'm telling you anyway. I really hate people who wake up with a smile in the morning, and a strut in their step on their way to work. THAT'S NOT FUCKING NATURAL! In MY world waking up sucks, and pink bubblegum people like that belong in a fucking asylum!

Cry and the world hands you prozac, smile in the AM and I'll punch you in the mouth.

Hugs.

PS. I hate http://www.greatday.com/motivate/

Thought for the day

Never cut in line ahead of a blind man ... on your way to the urinal.

Buy Now, Get One Free!

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
-Norman Douglas, South Wind, 1917

Yes, yes, here I am once more with angry rantings about something or other. Before you brush me off completely, can everyone who's sick and tired of advertisements please raise their hands? I don't care if it's television, radio, newspaper, mail, or the newest additions to the advertisement world: e-mail spam and pop-up ads.

Well, if you're sitting there with your hand up, you ... must feel pretty silly right about now. However, you're also one of the hundreds of thousands that are sick and tired of the constant barrage of images, words and catchy tunes that are designed to get you to buy their shit.

I submit to you that the advertisement industry (they have their own industry!) is not just inconsiderate, they are also malicious, and more recently they've also grown incredibly lazy and repetitive. On the radio today I heard one of the ads for the "Quit Smoking NOW!" crap that we smokers are so tired of hearing (we know it's bad for us, fuck off). They talk about the smoking increasing risk of heart related illness, blah blah blah ... then they say "think about the TV ad where they show the aorta of a 30 year old smoker, clogged with fatty deposits." What!? Now the radio ad creators are too lazy and/or stupid to come up with their own ads, they have to reference advrrtisement on TV instead? And we're not even talking about some random crap they want you to buy, we're talking about something that they should consider to be somewhat important -- people's general health. But no, the days of even simple copy and paste are gone, now we're moving into hyperlink advertisement.

Now, regarding some of the crap they advertise for ... no-fat, low-fat, diet, light, "lite," no-carb, all natural, now in a convenient, easy to open 2-ply container, wholesome, home made, batteries and flavor not included, lose weight with this powerful supplement, much too powerful for the casual dieter, to ease your pain and suffering, call now and get not just one super swiffer, but TWO, as well as this battery operated, remote controlled key chain pocket knife with built in radio and watch!

There used to be a time when advertisements had a simple message: "We have a product you need, come and buy it now." However, the retail industry saturated the market of common household goods, and they had to come up with "new and improved" merchandise which we don't want and don't need ... then they have to make a want and a need for it. How? By making you feel like absolute shit for not buying and using those products. If you don't, you're not only a bad parent, you're a bad co-worker, a bad American, and a lazy, fat slob who may not deserve to walk the same streets as the average Joe out there. However, you can certainly change all that by buying this new and fantastic piece of shit that you not only didn't know existed, but you also didn't know you can not live without!

Regarding TV ads ... for those of you, like me, with cable, are you tired of interrupted broadcasting? By interrupted I mean, of course, commercials. Try timing the commercials one day during your favorite "1 hour" show and see just how much of your show is being eaten up by "Buy this! NOW!" Now, last I checked I had to pay for cable. I'm paying to see advertisements. I repeat: I am paying hard earned money to give millionaires more face time with me so that they can convince me to sell their products. How fucking ridiculous is that? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around! I pay for shows, and if I can't pay for shows then I watch stuff that has commercials, and the companies for which there is advertisement pay for my shows. Makes perfect sense to me! However, for some screwed up reason it's not how it's supposed to work, I guess.

Have you also noticed how annoying ads are not just becoming more commonly used, they're actually becoming the norm? Sure we all remember "Crazy Ed's Crazy Car Sales Week!" where you could buy top-of-the-line automobiles for a low-low price! You know, Crazy Ed with his Einstein hairdo screams at the top of his lungs and really puts on a decent performance, making you think "This guy really is a nutcase, I bet I could totally cheat him and get away with a decent vehicle, and he'd never even know!" Yeah, we remember such things ... but now commercials are getting more and more annoying and stupid. Not only that, as a white male ages 18-48 I have found out that my business is really not wanted nor needed by McDonald, Burger King, Pepsi or Pay Less Shoes. 95% of the ads I see from them anymore appeal to urban black gangsta' hip-hoppin' pimp daddies, and make my skin crawl. Had I been a black urbanite I'd be pretty pissed at this point. I'd raise my fist in anger and yell, "Go bother cracker whitey, I don't want your cold ass burgers and fries!" Seriously, Commercialites, haven't we already caused enough pain to our black brothers through the centuries? Do you have to try and shove your shit in their faces now? Is that supposed to make things better? Please, put down the keyboard and get a real job, huh?

Do you remember back in the day when commercials were referred to as "potty breaks"? Sure, you can't sit there for 2 hours straight without getting up to go to the bathroom, get something more to drink, maybe grab a snack every 20-25 minutes ... commercials now appear every 5 minutes! I don't need to piss that fucking often, people! Thanks to commercials, I'm afraid to even drink tap water!

So here I am, paying to see shows that are interrupted every 5 minutes by quality merchandise (they don't mention that kind of quality, now do they?) that I don't want to buy, and I discover a third layer to the advertisement scheme. This one is built right into the show itself ... logos for the stuff that you just got done watching in the commercials are appearing all over the place! Hidden little taglines and unmistakable slogans litter daytime television. Get the fuck out of my Smallville and back to your own designated 30 second slots!

You want good advertisement? You want real advertisement? Make a product that doesn't fucking suck! There's advertisement for you, it comes with the package, and you don't need to hire a fucking PR firm to sell it!

Can you hear me now? FUCK OFF, I DON'T NEED A CELL PHONE!

Wash Those Hands!

Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a taste for them.

-Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)

Okay, I'm disgusted with my fellow man. I say man, because I mean male. I am speaking of bathroom hygiene here, so I wouldn't really know about women -- someone else will have to fill us in on that one.

I'm in the bathroom, and I won't bother you with details as to why, but that is my general location. Some male person comes in to use the bathroom, I hear him use the urinal, then leave. What I don't hear, however, are two sounds: flushing and handwashing. I work in a callcenter in which we deal with internet issues, thus I expect that your average Joe in this place is a little above the average factory worker Joe -- a generalization on my part, I understand, but I'm human, and thus can't help it. The irony (which is not lost on me) is, of course, that my co-worker "above average Joe" people are, in fact, just a bunch of slobs. Allow me to amend that ... a bunch of disgusting slobs. The bathroom at my place of employment is, in fact, in a worse state than a lot of public restrooms I've had the unfortunate privilege of visiting.

Every time I notice someone not washing their hands after going to the bathroom, regardless of what they were there to dispose of, it makes me feel sick, and it gives me superpowers. These unwished for superpowers grant me super-human vision, vision which allows me to see germs on the sink and faucet, on the very walls, and on that dreaded door handle which one must touch in order to escape this bog of fecal matter and bacteria -- this breeding ground of toxicity. It gets almost to the point where I wonder to myself, "why do I even wash my hands?" But no, something within me, something learned as a small child, tells me that to not wash my hands would be wrong.

I have often wondered what might lead someone to get Spermatophobia (it doesn't mean what you think it does, gutter mind, it's a very strong form of fear of germs. Germ-o-phobia, if that makes more sense to you -- think Howard Hughes). I'm starting to understand.

My plea to my fellow man ...

If your dick is too short to aim with, use the fucking urinal. If you're shy, use a stall, but lift the fucking seat! Trust me, no one wants to put their ass in contact with your piss. If lifting the seat is beyond your skill level, take a seat. Fact: it doesn't make you a lesser man - you already were.

There's no "l" in "pubic" hairs, so don't leave them anywhere in restrooms used by anyone other than you. We don't care what you do at home -- you may strew your crab ridden weenie whiskers all over your kitchen if that's what strokes your fancy, but in public we have neither want nor need for them.

WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS! Plague rats gag at the stuff you do, then scurry away! We're not asking you to wear latex gloves every time you touch your wang, just use some soap and water!

FLUSH! I understand that the concept of pushing a button or handle is a daunting task indeed, or god forbid you should have to take advanced potty training and learn how to pull a fucking chain (remember those? Yeah, good old days -- don't see them anymore except in prison movies). I understand that in these modern times of self flushing toilets such manual labor must seem like true drudgery.

Be a pal, chum, and help put the "toil" back in "toilet," will you?

Thanks,

-Pissed off potty patron.

Disclaimer: All puns are intended, fucking deal with it.

The Customer is Always Right

Before you continue to read, you should know my background ... I am a Tech. Support Team Leader for an internet provider. Every day we deal with customers who literally don't know how to operate a computer, and blames everything that happens in their lives on us. While the occasional good story comes out of it, it's mostly annoying.

Now, to talk about the customer is always right ... believe it or not, I actually agree. I understand that the computer industry, and in particular the internet, is new and confusing -- especially to the senior part of the population -- and I can't really blame them. I equate their situation to my own when I'm standing in front of my car, looking under the hood. I'm fearful every time my car makes a noise that I don't believe it's supposed to make.

However, the average customer out there doesn't deal with the internet, they deal with simple purchases -- groceries, electronic equipment, gas bills, etc. Would it be presumptuous of me to wager hard cash that each and every one of you that is reading this has, at some point, dealt with a rude "customer service" person. It could be a cashier, a CS rep. from your cable company, or whatever, but at some point in your life -- probably more recently -- you have had this happen to you?

Now, I was born in the mid 70's, thus not quite old enough to "reminisce" about the olden days of yore ... but then why do I feel so old? Because I do remember the olden days, when people were polite and nice. I'm not even talking about people that get paid to help you, but just your average Joe holding the door for you as you enter the local grocery store. Now it's impossible to get a person to help you buy shit. Seriously, I walk into a store to spend a few hundred bucks on something I don't really need, and Mr. Hourly-Wage-Employee is too busy thumbing his own anus to do his fucking job.

Say, hypothetically, that you are a customer of a company -- you have elected to spend your hard earned cash on something that you could have gotten in 37 other places within 5 minutes driving distance. Now, say that this product you appropriate is found to be faulty. What do you do? You return to the location at which you procured this wonderful piece of K9 feces and ask for a replacement -- or, god forbid, a refund -- the Smock Peon, who's still struggling to get his GED by collecting enough Coco Puffs box tops, has the fucking audacity to give you the look. You know the look I'm talking about ... the look that says, "I think you're trying to cheat this company, Sir." Yes, kid, that's right, asswad. I bought the toaster oven, accidentally dropped it in a vat of ant piss that I've been collecting as part of my diabolical plan to take over the alpha quadrant, which corroded a wire to one of the capacitators, and now I want to screw you over by demanding a replacement. I'm sorry, did I interrupt your droning your way through this month's edition of Paintball Magazine?

True Example: I go to the local Pep Boys store to pick up a battery booster for my car. It's the middle of winter, so they're in high demand, and the only one they have that's not industrial size (enough to jump start a small country) is in a box with the top ripped off. The smock monkey tells me that it's a former display item, but it works just fine, I just have to charge it. Fine, I take it, pay full price, go home and charge it. As expected, my car doesn't start up the next morning because the battery is about as full of energy as John Kerry's campaign. I hook up the booster, and what do you know ... it doesn't work. I call my mechanic, a very understanding man who knows good customer relations, goes well above and beyond, and comes to give me a jump. Just to verify that I'm not the bumbling idiot that I think myself to be, he tests my booster, then his own ... his works, mine doesn't.

Thus, I lose a day of work, get a new battery, then head over to Pep Boys for my refund. The pimple faced smock schmuck stationed to assist paying customers stares back at me blankly and simply says, "We don't do refunds." At this point I'm baffled, and say "You don't what?" He mumbles, "We don't do refunds." I explain that they sold me merchandise that I relied on to function, and because of that mistake I'm losing a day of work, and I wish to return the merchandise in question for a full refund. He says he can't. Their policy doesn't allow them to do refunds. So, I do what any sane person would ... I ask for the supervisor. The kid says, "You mean manager?" After another few minutes of him trying to convince me that I'm on a hopeless quest, he finally scuttles off to find the person in charge of this establishment. The manager (henceforth known as boyager) comes out, probably the same age as the first kid (i.e., he couldn't buy beer even if he had valid ID showing him to be 21 years of age). I explain the situation to this child instead, and he gives me the same bullshit line.

To make a long story short, I argue with the boyager, ask him if they make their money by selling defunct equipment, then forcing the customer to spend two or three times the original amount? Eventually (after he tried to give me in-store credit ... are you fucking kidding me??) I walk out with my money. Victory was mine, I had slain my enemy! At least, I wish I had.

I miss the good old days. I can't define one specific thing that does it, but people were just nicer. What caused it? I could probably come up with a 64 page analasys, but I won't waste either of our times with that ... suffice it to say, things are just getting worse, and the only thing I can do is give the best service I can; something that gets increasingly difficult, because the average consumer expects me to screw them over and give them bad service, because that's the norm.

Good Times

Have you ever sat back and pondered the good old days of yore, remembering really happy moments of your life? Hot chocolate in front of a fireplace, wrapped in a warm blanket, and the sounds of christmas tunes crackling on the radio? Working in the earth apple mines of the fatherland as a child? Breaking out of one of the many midget slave labour camps of Toronto? Shaving your first cat! Ah, yes, it's the memory of such things -- the anticipation of such things still to come -- that keeps me going day by day.

This little trip down memory lane brought to you by NyQuil and Sudafed ... and just a friendly reminder that these two really should not be mixed .... with alcohol.

A National Waste of Time

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

Okay, here's a topic that many people feel great passion for or against: sports. You love it or hate it. Or, of course, if you're me, you take the third alternative: loving to hate it.

Let's start with the traditional American sports; football, baseball and basketball.

Well, first of all, American football is nothing more than a bastardized and pussified version of rugby. Enough padding to take a bullet without leaving a mark, barely enough brains to dial a phone, that's the essence of it. 73.9% of the game is spent waiting for someone to do something. Statistics provided by my ass, from which I pulled that number. It's a bunch of guys running around with a testicle shaped ball, patting eachother on the ass, but somehow it's the most manly event available.

Secondly, it's the biggest fucking waste of money I can possibly imagine. How much does a football player make? I don't care how much or how little they get, it's 'way too fucking much regardless. Entertainment value, you say? Okay, for those of you out there who are into the ass-slapping, testicle chasing, astro-turf-man-orgie-with-helmet on national TV type of entertainment, well I guess you're right. But, can even you agree that they're getting their "fair share" for doing that? We're talking millions of dollars here, people! We're talking one person making more in one year than someone with a real job (let's say a nurse) makes in a lifetime. And people wonder why this country -- no, this world -- is so fucked up. If that isn't a prime example, I don't know what it.

Baseball, basketball ... I can't think of anything that makes them any different.

Now, some of you will say "there's an ancient culture to preserve here!" Yeah, yeah, the romans had their colosseum wth gladiator sports, and the gladiators were revered for their skills, plus they entertained the masses. Fine, I'll accept that. I submit, however, that this was at a time when entertainment was not so readily available as it is today, the hardship and encuberance of those times actually made a legitimate need for some kind of distraction, whereas our lazy asses have no need for such things. Also, the need for "sports" back then were also validated by the presence of actual hand-to-hand combat in war, as opposed to the pussy button pushing excuse for warfare these days. Before any of you freak out about the actual sacrifices made by modern day soldiers, I do realize that there's more to war than pushing buttons -- I'm just saying that war has also become sanitized, laundered ... it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be ugly, dirty, bloody, and it is to be feared by all.

Now, bouncing back from that side-rant, let me just wrap things up here, and conclude that sports are a waste of time, a waste of money, a waste of human resources, an amentia for culture, and a burden on society.

Of Myth

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
-Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

Let me get this straight ... God, in his allmightiness, created the universe, this little planet, stars to light up the sky, earth, water, plants and animals, and he did it all in 6 days? Okay, so far I'm with you. Wait, then he created man, then woman, they ate the one thing God said they couldn't, and he got angry and kicked them out. Am I getting this right? Is this basically what happened? Okay, so God, the allmighty himself, the one who not only knows all, is everywhere all the time, but also created everything, couldn't see this one coming? Not only is the one who knows everything surprised by the fact that his apples were eaten ... but then he got pissed off and kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden? His very first attempt at making a human, and he fucked it up!

Okay, call me weird -- I know I am -- but so far I'm not impressed, and we're barely out of Genesis!

You know how when some scientist comes up with a new drug or something, they then have to test it out for months, or even years, before they can release it to the public? Ever wonder if we're that failed experiment filed away in a cosmic file cabinet somewhere? I can completely picture God hanging out at his good planet, talking about us ... "Yeah, Bill, I created Earth before I got the hang of it. You know, it's not something I'm proud of, but as everyone knows, you have to beta test before releasing any product onto the market."

A Simple, Twisted Fate

People. Can't live with'em, can't eat'em.

I mean, c'mon, do we really need this many people? When are we going to face reality and realize that there's just too many of us? Allow me to be very unoriginal and do a quote from the Matrix:

I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a miserable person delving into the darkness of my soul, while I listen to goth music, contemplating the evil within and without. I'm generally a very personable person, I play well with others when I need to ... but unless I have to be around people, I won't be. Sadly, as luck would have it, I'm stuck with all of you.

Why this detestation? Well, allow me to present you with some simple examples ...

I work in Tech Support. Not just that, I work in Tech Support for an affordable internet provider. What that statement translates to is: if you're poor, uneducated, old, and just now getting into this wonder of technology called "The Web," you're probably one of my customers. I won't babble about technical conundrums, I'm talking basic stupidity here. I'm talking about people who, after 60 years of moseying through life, still need help discerning their left from their right. I'm talking about people who shouldn't be allowed near a toaster oven if it's plugged in, let alone a computer hooked up to the rest of the world.

You know the science shows where the mouse, trying to get to the cheese, gets zapped repeatedly every time it tries? That's the kind of intelligence level I'm dealing with on a daily basis ... the only difference is that the mouse learns its lesson and stops going for the cheese. The rodent-brains-hosted-by-human-bodies that I have to talk to just don't seem to learn.

And by the way, fuck you, Darwin! Why couldn't you have been right? Here you come up with this brilliant theory of evolution, but somehow humans have managed to screw that one up, too. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Darwinian Theory of Evolution, here's a dictionary's description: A theory of biological evolution developed by Charles Darwin and others, stating that all species of organisms arise and develop through the natural selection of small, inherited variations that increase the individual's ability to compete, survive, and reproduce. Survival of the fittest, baby! Looks great on paper, doesn't apply too well in reality unless you happen to be a non-human mammal. They actually play by the rules.

We're born, we're adorable little creatures, and then it's all downhill from there. We grow, we eat, we consume the very environment that we infest, and we produce nothing. Intellectual property over which we can argue, that's what we produce. Starvation, war, disease, it's all ours, it's what we do best ... we create death, we just can't seem to die.

I repeat: people, can't live with'em, can't eat'em. Well, why not? Wouldn't that be an ideal solution to a lot of our problems? Hunger would be gone, right? Sure, it's against our moralities, but when did they ever make sense? We kill, pillage and plunder for ideas, but somehow it's wrong to eat perfectly good meat? Instead of funerals, we should have dinner parties ... absorb your friends and family, allow them to become part of you, and let their memory live on through you. Wouldn't that be great?

I want to be served with onions, lots of onions ... a nice sauce, some potatoes ...

However, right now I could go for some Chinese.