Wash Those Hands!
Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a taste for them.
-Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
Okay, I'm disgusted with my fellow man. I say man, because I mean male. I am speaking of bathroom hygiene here, so I wouldn't really know about women -- someone else will have to fill us in on that one.
I'm in the bathroom, and I won't bother you with details as to why, but that is my general location. Some male person comes in to use the bathroom, I hear him use the urinal, then leave. What I don't hear, however, are two sounds: flushing and handwashing. I work in a callcenter in which we deal with internet issues, thus I expect that your average Joe in this place is a little above the average factory worker Joe -- a generalization on my part, I understand, but I'm human, and thus can't help it. The irony (which is not lost on me) is, of course, that my co-worker "above average Joe" people are, in fact, just a bunch of slobs. Allow me to amend that ... a bunch of disgusting slobs. The bathroom at my place of employment is, in fact, in a worse state than a lot of public restrooms I've had the unfortunate privilege of visiting.
Every time I notice someone not washing their hands after going to the bathroom, regardless of what they were there to dispose of, it makes me feel sick, and it gives me superpowers. These unwished for superpowers grant me super-human vision, vision which allows me to see germs on the sink and faucet, on the very walls, and on that dreaded door handle which one must touch in order to escape this bog of fecal matter and bacteria -- this breeding ground of toxicity. It gets almost to the point where I wonder to myself, "why do I even wash my hands?" But no, something within me, something learned as a small child, tells me that to not wash my hands would be wrong.
I have often wondered what might lead someone to get Spermatophobia (it doesn't mean what you think it does, gutter mind, it's a very strong form of fear of germs. Germ-o-phobia, if that makes more sense to you -- think Howard Hughes). I'm starting to understand.
My plea to my fellow man ...
If your dick is too short to aim with, use the fucking urinal. If you're shy, use a stall, but lift the fucking seat! Trust me, no one wants to put their ass in contact with your piss. If lifting the seat is beyond your skill level, take a seat. Fact: it doesn't make you a lesser man - you already were.
There's no "l" in "pubic" hairs, so don't leave them anywhere in restrooms used by anyone other than you. We don't care what you do at home -- you may strew your crab ridden weenie whiskers all over your kitchen if that's what strokes your fancy, but in public we have neither want nor need for them.
WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS! Plague rats gag at the stuff you do, then scurry away! We're not asking you to wear latex gloves every time you touch your wang, just use some soap and water!
FLUSH! I understand that the concept of pushing a button or handle is a daunting task indeed, or god forbid you should have to take advanced potty training and learn how to pull a fucking chain (remember those? Yeah, good old days -- don't see them anymore except in prison movies). I understand that in these modern times of self flushing toilets such manual labor must seem like true drudgery.
Be a pal, chum, and help put the "toil" back in "toilet," will you?
Thanks,
-Pissed off potty patron.
Disclaimer: All puns are intended, fucking deal with it.
-Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
Okay, I'm disgusted with my fellow man. I say man, because I mean male. I am speaking of bathroom hygiene here, so I wouldn't really know about women -- someone else will have to fill us in on that one.
I'm in the bathroom, and I won't bother you with details as to why, but that is my general location. Some male person comes in to use the bathroom, I hear him use the urinal, then leave. What I don't hear, however, are two sounds: flushing and handwashing. I work in a callcenter in which we deal with internet issues, thus I expect that your average Joe in this place is a little above the average factory worker Joe -- a generalization on my part, I understand, but I'm human, and thus can't help it. The irony (which is not lost on me) is, of course, that my co-worker "above average Joe" people are, in fact, just a bunch of slobs. Allow me to amend that ... a bunch of disgusting slobs. The bathroom at my place of employment is, in fact, in a worse state than a lot of public restrooms I've had the unfortunate privilege of visiting.
Every time I notice someone not washing their hands after going to the bathroom, regardless of what they were there to dispose of, it makes me feel sick, and it gives me superpowers. These unwished for superpowers grant me super-human vision, vision which allows me to see germs on the sink and faucet, on the very walls, and on that dreaded door handle which one must touch in order to escape this bog of fecal matter and bacteria -- this breeding ground of toxicity. It gets almost to the point where I wonder to myself, "why do I even wash my hands?" But no, something within me, something learned as a small child, tells me that to not wash my hands would be wrong.
I have often wondered what might lead someone to get Spermatophobia (it doesn't mean what you think it does, gutter mind, it's a very strong form of fear of germs. Germ-o-phobia, if that makes more sense to you -- think Howard Hughes). I'm starting to understand.
My plea to my fellow man ...
If your dick is too short to aim with, use the fucking urinal. If you're shy, use a stall, but lift the fucking seat! Trust me, no one wants to put their ass in contact with your piss. If lifting the seat is beyond your skill level, take a seat. Fact: it doesn't make you a lesser man - you already were.
There's no "l" in "pubic" hairs, so don't leave them anywhere in restrooms used by anyone other than you. We don't care what you do at home -- you may strew your crab ridden weenie whiskers all over your kitchen if that's what strokes your fancy, but in public we have neither want nor need for them.
WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS! Plague rats gag at the stuff you do, then scurry away! We're not asking you to wear latex gloves every time you touch your wang, just use some soap and water!
FLUSH! I understand that the concept of pushing a button or handle is a daunting task indeed, or god forbid you should have to take advanced potty training and learn how to pull a fucking chain (remember those? Yeah, good old days -- don't see them anymore except in prison movies). I understand that in these modern times of self flushing toilets such manual labor must seem like true drudgery.
Be a pal, chum, and help put the "toil" back in "toilet," will you?
Thanks,
-Pissed off potty patron.
Disclaimer: All puns are intended, fucking deal with it.
posted by Larf at 10:16 AM
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