Buy Now, Get One Free!
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
-Norman Douglas, South Wind, 1917
Yes, yes, here I am once more with angry rantings about something or other. Before you brush me off completely, can everyone who's sick and tired of advertisements please raise their hands? I don't care if it's television, radio, newspaper, mail, or the newest additions to the advertisement world: e-mail spam and pop-up ads.
Well, if you're sitting there with your hand up, you ... must feel pretty silly right about now. However, you're also one of the hundreds of thousands that are sick and tired of the constant barrage of images, words and catchy tunes that are designed to get you to buy their shit.
I submit to you that the advertisement industry (they have their own industry!) is not just inconsiderate, they are also malicious, and more recently they've also grown incredibly lazy and repetitive. On the radio today I heard one of the ads for the "Quit Smoking NOW!" crap that we smokers are so tired of hearing (we know it's bad for us, fuck off). They talk about the smoking increasing risk of heart related illness, blah blah blah ... then they say "think about the TV ad where they show the aorta of a 30 year old smoker, clogged with fatty deposits." What!? Now the radio ad creators are too lazy and/or stupid to come up with their own ads, they have to reference advrrtisement on TV instead? And we're not even talking about some random crap they want you to buy, we're talking about something that they should consider to be somewhat important -- people's general health. But no, the days of even simple copy and paste are gone, now we're moving into hyperlink advertisement.
Now, regarding some of the crap they advertise for ... no-fat, low-fat, diet, light, "lite," no-carb, all natural, now in a convenient, easy to open 2-ply container, wholesome, home made, batteries and flavor not included, lose weight with this powerful supplement, much too powerful for the casual dieter, to ease your pain and suffering, call now and get not just one super swiffer, but TWO, as well as this battery operated, remote controlled key chain pocket knife with built in radio and watch!
There used to be a time when advertisements had a simple message: "We have a product you need, come and buy it now." However, the retail industry saturated the market of common household goods, and they had to come up with "new and improved" merchandise which we don't want and don't need ... then they have to make a want and a need for it. How? By making you feel like absolute shit for not buying and using those products. If you don't, you're not only a bad parent, you're a bad co-worker, a bad American, and a lazy, fat slob who may not deserve to walk the same streets as the average Joe out there. However, you can certainly change all that by buying this new and fantastic piece of shit that you not only didn't know existed, but you also didn't know you can not live without!
Regarding TV ads ... for those of you, like me, with cable, are you tired of interrupted broadcasting? By interrupted I mean, of course, commercials. Try timing the commercials one day during your favorite "1 hour" show and see just how much of your show is being eaten up by "Buy this! NOW!" Now, last I checked I had to pay for cable. I'm paying to see advertisements. I repeat: I am paying hard earned money to give millionaires more face time with me so that they can convince me to sell their products. How fucking ridiculous is that? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around! I pay for shows, and if I can't pay for shows then I watch stuff that has commercials, and the companies for which there is advertisement pay for my shows. Makes perfect sense to me! However, for some screwed up reason it's not how it's supposed to work, I guess.
Have you also noticed how annoying ads are not just becoming more commonly used, they're actually becoming the norm? Sure we all remember "Crazy Ed's Crazy Car Sales Week!" where you could buy top-of-the-line automobiles for a low-low price! You know, Crazy Ed with his Einstein hairdo screams at the top of his lungs and really puts on a decent performance, making you think "This guy really is a nutcase, I bet I could totally cheat him and get away with a decent vehicle, and he'd never even know!" Yeah, we remember such things ... but now commercials are getting more and more annoying and stupid. Not only that, as a white male ages 18-48 I have found out that my business is really not wanted nor needed by McDonald, Burger King, Pepsi or Pay Less Shoes. 95% of the ads I see from them anymore appeal to urban black gangsta' hip-hoppin' pimp daddies, and make my skin crawl. Had I been a black urbanite I'd be pretty pissed at this point. I'd raise my fist in anger and yell, "Go bother cracker whitey, I don't want your cold ass burgers and fries!" Seriously, Commercialites, haven't we already caused enough pain to our black brothers through the centuries? Do you have to try and shove your shit in their faces now? Is that supposed to make things better? Please, put down the keyboard and get a real job, huh?
Do you remember back in the day when commercials were referred to as "potty breaks"? Sure, you can't sit there for 2 hours straight without getting up to go to the bathroom, get something more to drink, maybe grab a snack every 20-25 minutes ... commercials now appear every 5 minutes! I don't need to piss that fucking often, people! Thanks to commercials, I'm afraid to even drink tap water!
So here I am, paying to see shows that are interrupted every 5 minutes by quality merchandise (they don't mention that kind of quality, now do they?) that I don't want to buy, and I discover a third layer to the advertisement scheme. This one is built right into the show itself ... logos for the stuff that you just got done watching in the commercials are appearing all over the place! Hidden little taglines and unmistakable slogans litter daytime television. Get the fuck out of my Smallville and back to your own designated 30 second slots!
You want good advertisement? You want real advertisement? Make a product that doesn't fucking suck! There's advertisement for you, it comes with the package, and you don't need to hire a fucking PR firm to sell it!
Can you hear me now? FUCK OFF, I DON'T NEED A CELL PHONE!
-Norman Douglas, South Wind, 1917
Yes, yes, here I am once more with angry rantings about something or other. Before you brush me off completely, can everyone who's sick and tired of advertisements please raise their hands? I don't care if it's television, radio, newspaper, mail, or the newest additions to the advertisement world: e-mail spam and pop-up ads.
Well, if you're sitting there with your hand up, you ... must feel pretty silly right about now. However, you're also one of the hundreds of thousands that are sick and tired of the constant barrage of images, words and catchy tunes that are designed to get you to buy their shit.
I submit to you that the advertisement industry (they have their own industry!) is not just inconsiderate, they are also malicious, and more recently they've also grown incredibly lazy and repetitive. On the radio today I heard one of the ads for the "Quit Smoking NOW!" crap that we smokers are so tired of hearing (we know it's bad for us, fuck off). They talk about the smoking increasing risk of heart related illness, blah blah blah ... then they say "think about the TV ad where they show the aorta of a 30 year old smoker, clogged with fatty deposits." What!? Now the radio ad creators are too lazy and/or stupid to come up with their own ads, they have to reference advrrtisement on TV instead? And we're not even talking about some random crap they want you to buy, we're talking about something that they should consider to be somewhat important -- people's general health. But no, the days of even simple copy and paste are gone, now we're moving into hyperlink advertisement.
Now, regarding some of the crap they advertise for ... no-fat, low-fat, diet, light, "lite," no-carb, all natural, now in a convenient, easy to open 2-ply container, wholesome, home made, batteries and flavor not included, lose weight with this powerful supplement, much too powerful for the casual dieter, to ease your pain and suffering, call now and get not just one super swiffer, but TWO, as well as this battery operated, remote controlled key chain pocket knife with built in radio and watch!
There used to be a time when advertisements had a simple message: "We have a product you need, come and buy it now." However, the retail industry saturated the market of common household goods, and they had to come up with "new and improved" merchandise which we don't want and don't need ... then they have to make a want and a need for it. How? By making you feel like absolute shit for not buying and using those products. If you don't, you're not only a bad parent, you're a bad co-worker, a bad American, and a lazy, fat slob who may not deserve to walk the same streets as the average Joe out there. However, you can certainly change all that by buying this new and fantastic piece of shit that you not only didn't know existed, but you also didn't know you can not live without!
Regarding TV ads ... for those of you, like me, with cable, are you tired of interrupted broadcasting? By interrupted I mean, of course, commercials. Try timing the commercials one day during your favorite "1 hour" show and see just how much of your show is being eaten up by "Buy this! NOW!" Now, last I checked I had to pay for cable. I'm paying to see advertisements. I repeat: I am paying hard earned money to give millionaires more face time with me so that they can convince me to sell their products. How fucking ridiculous is that? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around! I pay for shows, and if I can't pay for shows then I watch stuff that has commercials, and the companies for which there is advertisement pay for my shows. Makes perfect sense to me! However, for some screwed up reason it's not how it's supposed to work, I guess.
Have you also noticed how annoying ads are not just becoming more commonly used, they're actually becoming the norm? Sure we all remember "Crazy Ed's Crazy Car Sales Week!" where you could buy top-of-the-line automobiles for a low-low price! You know, Crazy Ed with his Einstein hairdo screams at the top of his lungs and really puts on a decent performance, making you think "This guy really is a nutcase, I bet I could totally cheat him and get away with a decent vehicle, and he'd never even know!" Yeah, we remember such things ... but now commercials are getting more and more annoying and stupid. Not only that, as a white male ages 18-48 I have found out that my business is really not wanted nor needed by McDonald, Burger King, Pepsi or Pay Less Shoes. 95% of the ads I see from them anymore appeal to urban black gangsta' hip-hoppin' pimp daddies, and make my skin crawl. Had I been a black urbanite I'd be pretty pissed at this point. I'd raise my fist in anger and yell, "Go bother cracker whitey, I don't want your cold ass burgers and fries!" Seriously, Commercialites, haven't we already caused enough pain to our black brothers through the centuries? Do you have to try and shove your shit in their faces now? Is that supposed to make things better? Please, put down the keyboard and get a real job, huh?
Do you remember back in the day when commercials were referred to as "potty breaks"? Sure, you can't sit there for 2 hours straight without getting up to go to the bathroom, get something more to drink, maybe grab a snack every 20-25 minutes ... commercials now appear every 5 minutes! I don't need to piss that fucking often, people! Thanks to commercials, I'm afraid to even drink tap water!
So here I am, paying to see shows that are interrupted every 5 minutes by quality merchandise (they don't mention that kind of quality, now do they?) that I don't want to buy, and I discover a third layer to the advertisement scheme. This one is built right into the show itself ... logos for the stuff that you just got done watching in the commercials are appearing all over the place! Hidden little taglines and unmistakable slogans litter daytime television. Get the fuck out of my Smallville and back to your own designated 30 second slots!
You want good advertisement? You want real advertisement? Make a product that doesn't fucking suck! There's advertisement for you, it comes with the package, and you don't need to hire a fucking PR firm to sell it!
Can you hear me now? FUCK OFF, I DON'T NEED A CELL PHONE!
posted by Larf at 3:48 PM
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