Danger: safety devices installed.
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden
In yet another effort to make this little planet of ours a friendlier environment for non-Darwinists (i.e., people who are too stupid to live, yet continue to do so), governments and the private sector are making the world a safer place. Cars are safer, play grounds are safer, schools are safer, and -- get this -- even guns are safer now than they ever have been. There's safety scissors, safe and edible glue, anti-scalding devices, corner and edge bumpers, outlet covers, and things to child proof your home that you never knew you needed. Do we need all this? The answer is, of course, NO.
Here's what you do to child proof your home: keep a fucking eye on your children, people! If your kid is in need of safety-scissors, edible glue and anti-scalding devices, chances are what they really need is a parent with half a fucking clue and an attention span greater than that of a chinchilla on a caffeine high.
There are cars out there that will take the impact of driving straight into a brick wall at 60 mph. and still leave the driver alive. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? If someone is stupid enough to hit a wall at 60 mph., I don't want them driving on the same roads that I'm on! Is this so hard to understand? It's not the unsafe cars that scare me, it's the unsafe drivers that we need to eliminate, and the only way we can do that is by getting rid of the devices which keep them alive! On a separate topic, you know what really annoys me? People with bumper stickers that read "The Lord is my Co-Pilot" on cars with 24 air bags and a fire control system in the back seat! If God wants you to die horribly in a car wreck, who the fuck are you to argue?
Now, back to the subject of this post ... we child proof everything these days, and that which is not "proof-able" is made taboo. Climbing trees, for example. There are kids out there whose parents will not allow them to climb trees. They'll even go to the extremes of cutting branches or taking down the entire tree in order to "child proof" their gardens, just in case the kids don't listen to them. If you're waiting for a punch line, there isn't one, I only wish I was joking. COME ON! Kids are meant to fall down! That's how they learn to not do that stupid thing which caused them to fall down again! It's called "learning from your own mistakes," people! And those kids that don't learn from their own mistakes ... well, if they die, that's a future Enron or Adelphia scandal nipped in the bud, because if they don't learn now, chances are they're not going to start anytime soon. Our prisons are full of examples of this!
You know how people say "what if someone could go back in time and kill Hitler as a child?" Well, what if someone could go back in time and remove the outlet covers in the houses of the Columbine kids, huh? Not only would we have prevented one of the greatest disasters known to happen in an American school, we also would have prevented Michael Moore from making another movie, and if that's not a worthy endeavor, I don't know what is!
However, this increasing knack we have to cater to stupidity isn't just affecting how we drive, build our houses and raise our kids, it's sucking the fun out of life in so many more ways. Take hot dogs, for example. I know, I know, weird example, bear with me for a moment. Those of us who are old enough to remember good ol' Reagan when he was president may also remember that hot dogs just tasted better back then. Why is this? Fond memories of simpler times, fresher air and hippies begging for Twinkies on every street corner? No, not really. Legislation has been passed repeatedly over the last couple of decades which bans, restricts and otherwise prevents use of certain chemicals in food processing. These are the very same chemicals that made food taste better. That's right! But no, they're "not safe" enough for us, so we have to deal with sub-standard tasting, over-processed, safe hot dogs.
Another thing that particularly pisses me off in winter time when colds and flus lurk around every corner ... cold and cough medicine. "Non-Drowsy, alcohol free, feel better so that you can go to work and continue to be a good employee" medicine. Screw that! I want drugs that knock me out and take away all my motor functions until my cold is gone! If they've made the medicines so much better, how come I still feel like crap when I take it? I don't remember feeling this bad when I was a kid ... know why? Because I don't remember my colds when I was a kid! I got cough syrup that tasted like crap and put me in a coma for a week and a half, and if such a thing was still available, I would be chugging like an American Football fan at a tail gate! Beer-bongs? Fuck that, give me an old fashioned NyQuil-bong any day of the week, that's where the real fun is to be found!
I go through the med's isle at the local super markets looking at the labels ... "Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery." Who gives a flying fuck? I want one that says right on the front, in big, bold, red letters: "Bi-pedal locomotion not a good fucking idea, kid!"
I remember when I was a child, a happy young lad with a knack for falling down, falling over, and just plain falling. I found the fastest way down the basement stairs, I invented the most efficient way to get off of a horse, I figured out the secret behind stopping and dismounting a bike in a single motion, and I even took some shortcuts down from our plum tree back home. I've been electrocuted, I've been cut (mostly by myself), I learned the hard way that the door handle is there for a reason -- it makes it easier to leave the house without breaking down the door with your head -- and I've used it ever since. I have multiple scars caused by everything from broken glass to exercise equipment, and even a car. When I grew up there were no such safety devices like those you are expected to buy today (else have your children taken away from you), and somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive ... Neener.
Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden
In yet another effort to make this little planet of ours a friendlier environment for non-Darwinists (i.e., people who are too stupid to live, yet continue to do so), governments and the private sector are making the world a safer place. Cars are safer, play grounds are safer, schools are safer, and -- get this -- even guns are safer now than they ever have been. There's safety scissors, safe and edible glue, anti-scalding devices, corner and edge bumpers, outlet covers, and things to child proof your home that you never knew you needed. Do we need all this? The answer is, of course, NO.
Here's what you do to child proof your home: keep a fucking eye on your children, people! If your kid is in need of safety-scissors, edible glue and anti-scalding devices, chances are what they really need is a parent with half a fucking clue and an attention span greater than that of a chinchilla on a caffeine high.
There are cars out there that will take the impact of driving straight into a brick wall at 60 mph. and still leave the driver alive. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? If someone is stupid enough to hit a wall at 60 mph., I don't want them driving on the same roads that I'm on! Is this so hard to understand? It's not the unsafe cars that scare me, it's the unsafe drivers that we need to eliminate, and the only way we can do that is by getting rid of the devices which keep them alive! On a separate topic, you know what really annoys me? People with bumper stickers that read "The Lord is my Co-Pilot" on cars with 24 air bags and a fire control system in the back seat! If God wants you to die horribly in a car wreck, who the fuck are you to argue?
Now, back to the subject of this post ... we child proof everything these days, and that which is not "proof-able" is made taboo. Climbing trees, for example. There are kids out there whose parents will not allow them to climb trees. They'll even go to the extremes of cutting branches or taking down the entire tree in order to "child proof" their gardens, just in case the kids don't listen to them. If you're waiting for a punch line, there isn't one, I only wish I was joking. COME ON! Kids are meant to fall down! That's how they learn to not do that stupid thing which caused them to fall down again! It's called "learning from your own mistakes," people! And those kids that don't learn from their own mistakes ... well, if they die, that's a future Enron or Adelphia scandal nipped in the bud, because if they don't learn now, chances are they're not going to start anytime soon. Our prisons are full of examples of this!
You know how people say "what if someone could go back in time and kill Hitler as a child?" Well, what if someone could go back in time and remove the outlet covers in the houses of the Columbine kids, huh? Not only would we have prevented one of the greatest disasters known to happen in an American school, we also would have prevented Michael Moore from making another movie, and if that's not a worthy endeavor, I don't know what is!
However, this increasing knack we have to cater to stupidity isn't just affecting how we drive, build our houses and raise our kids, it's sucking the fun out of life in so many more ways. Take hot dogs, for example. I know, I know, weird example, bear with me for a moment. Those of us who are old enough to remember good ol' Reagan when he was president may also remember that hot dogs just tasted better back then. Why is this? Fond memories of simpler times, fresher air and hippies begging for Twinkies on every street corner? No, not really. Legislation has been passed repeatedly over the last couple of decades which bans, restricts and otherwise prevents use of certain chemicals in food processing. These are the very same chemicals that made food taste better. That's right! But no, they're "not safe" enough for us, so we have to deal with sub-standard tasting, over-processed, safe hot dogs.
Another thing that particularly pisses me off in winter time when colds and flus lurk around every corner ... cold and cough medicine. "Non-Drowsy, alcohol free, feel better so that you can go to work and continue to be a good employee" medicine. Screw that! I want drugs that knock me out and take away all my motor functions until my cold is gone! If they've made the medicines so much better, how come I still feel like crap when I take it? I don't remember feeling this bad when I was a kid ... know why? Because I don't remember my colds when I was a kid! I got cough syrup that tasted like crap and put me in a coma for a week and a half, and if such a thing was still available, I would be chugging like an American Football fan at a tail gate! Beer-bongs? Fuck that, give me an old fashioned NyQuil-bong any day of the week, that's where the real fun is to be found!
I go through the med's isle at the local super markets looking at the labels ... "Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery." Who gives a flying fuck? I want one that says right on the front, in big, bold, red letters: "Bi-pedal locomotion not a good fucking idea, kid!"
I remember when I was a child, a happy young lad with a knack for falling down, falling over, and just plain falling. I found the fastest way down the basement stairs, I invented the most efficient way to get off of a horse, I figured out the secret behind stopping and dismounting a bike in a single motion, and I even took some shortcuts down from our plum tree back home. I've been electrocuted, I've been cut (mostly by myself), I learned the hard way that the door handle is there for a reason -- it makes it easier to leave the house without breaking down the door with your head -- and I've used it ever since. I have multiple scars caused by everything from broken glass to exercise equipment, and even a car. When I grew up there were no such safety devices like those you are expected to buy today (else have your children taken away from you), and somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive ... Neener.
posted by Larf at 11:05 PM
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