Warning: Stupidity May Induce Ridicule
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
WARNING: This post may cause heart failure, stroke, epileptic attacks, increased blood pressure, lowered blood sugar, bleeding of the eyes, rectal explosion, diarrhea and brain damage. The author of this post is not responsible for any or all illnesses, injuries or bad luck caused by reading this post.
There, now that the obviously necessary disclaimer is taken care of, what is up with the stupidity anymore? Ever notice how everything has a fucking warning label? You buy a cup of coffee, and it says "Caution! Contents may be hot!" Well, I would fucking well HOPE so, that's how I ORDERED it! The sad part? IT'S NOT HOT! It's luke warm at best! Go buy a meal from McDonalds or Burger King and you'll find your hamburger to be room temperature, your fries to have no more heat to them than abucket of fresh piss. Why, you ask? Because some imbecile spilled coffee on themselves or decided to give themselves a taco-facial, then sued the owner of the establishment because they weren't warned that that may not be a good idea!
Are we really this fucking stupid? Do we not understand that we're not supposed to take a steaming hot hamburger and rub it on our genitals? Do we need a warning label for that? How about coffee? Is it beyond our realm of logic conclusion that pouring coffee on our cocks is going to HURT? If it is, then I say we fucking well DESERVE the pain! Microwaves, thanks to some inbred hick freak who tried to dry her toy poodle in one, now have to have warnings in the manual stating that one should not put live animals in microwave ovens because it may kill them. No shit? God damn, I'm glad I found out, and so is Sparky!
Toys, if you haven't looked at them recently, ALL have warning labels. A toy scooter was found with a warning label that says: "This product moves when used." Forgive my incredible ignorance, but wasn't that the whole fucking point? "Caution: flammable!" ANYTHING is flammable if you have enough heat! Why do we need flame retardant teddy bears? So that Baby's First Bic Lighter doesn't turn out to be a bad idea?
Toilet brushes that state "Do not use for personal hygiene," vending machine tacos warning us that "content may be hot when heated!" I wouldn't be surprised to find a beer bottle with a huge warning on it reading: "Caution, breaking this bottle over someones head, then stabbing them repeatedly in the face with the shards may cause injuries."
To be fair, I don't blame the labels, they don't annoy me. I don't even blame the people that put the labels there. I blame the asshole idiot that 1: was stupid enough to do something that idiotic with a harmless product to begin with, and 2: didn't have enough fucking shame in their bones to shut the hell up about it, but decided that they had to sue someone for it! Well, I'm sorry that looking into the action-end of a nailgun to see if something was stuck lost you one of your eyes, I truly am. Next time put it BETWEEN them to see if THAT works better! If nothing else, you'll at least save the rest of us some grief.
It's not just labels, you know. The asswits have also gotten into my precious cigarette packs to make a "safer cigarette." Safer? Oh, they're not talking about tar and nicotine and all that good stuff, they're talking about the actual fire part of it! Get this, they changed the paper they use to make cigarettes to not burn as well so that, if left alone, they'll self-extinguish. They found that too many people were falling asleep with their cigarettes lit, burning themselves to death. You know what that is? Natural fucking selection! Darwinism at its finest! Weeding out the idiots before they do too much damage to the rest of us! But that's makes too much sense, so now I have to re-light each cigarette three times unless I power-puff it.
Okay, an analogy if I may be permitted ... a herd of antilope are out on the African savannah (or wherever they may roam) one fine afternoon, grazing and getting some action behind a tree, having a drink at the watering hole maybe, when some lions show up ... one of the antilopes walks up to the lions to see what they want. What does nature do? Here, I'll even make it multiple choice for you.
[a] Negotiate a peace treaty between the lions and the antilope
[b] Slap a warning label on the lion which states: "Caution: this animal may attack you, leading to bleeding, crushing of the head, clawing of the anus and possibly death"
[c] KILL THE FUCKING ANTILOPE
The answer, if you haven't figured it out by now, is c. Nature doesn't fuck around with the weakest link, duct taping it back together, it eliminates it in the cruelest and most efficient way it possibly can!
If someone drinks some Raid, you may find a warning label on the can that reads something to the effect of: "Induce vomiting, see a physician immediately." What it SHOULD read is: "You make me want to vomit, see a fucking bullet."
Oh, and PS.
As much as I abhore lawyers, don't try to blame this one on them. If people had brains enough to not stick a fork into a plugged-in toaster, lawyers wouldn't have a job.
PPS.
Pepper spray cannisters are labeled: "May irritate eyes."
PPPS. A co-worker of mine just showed me a bag of toasted almonds ... it has a warning label that reads: INGREDIENTS: Toasted blanched sliced almonds. Contains the following allergen: Almonds.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
WARNING: This post may cause heart failure, stroke, epileptic attacks, increased blood pressure, lowered blood sugar, bleeding of the eyes, rectal explosion, diarrhea and brain damage. The author of this post is not responsible for any or all illnesses, injuries or bad luck caused by reading this post.
There, now that the obviously necessary disclaimer is taken care of, what is up with the stupidity anymore? Ever notice how everything has a fucking warning label? You buy a cup of coffee, and it says "Caution! Contents may be hot!" Well, I would fucking well HOPE so, that's how I ORDERED it! The sad part? IT'S NOT HOT! It's luke warm at best! Go buy a meal from McDonalds or Burger King and you'll find your hamburger to be room temperature, your fries to have no more heat to them than abucket of fresh piss. Why, you ask? Because some imbecile spilled coffee on themselves or decided to give themselves a taco-facial, then sued the owner of the establishment because they weren't warned that that may not be a good idea!
Are we really this fucking stupid? Do we not understand that we're not supposed to take a steaming hot hamburger and rub it on our genitals? Do we need a warning label for that? How about coffee? Is it beyond our realm of logic conclusion that pouring coffee on our cocks is going to HURT? If it is, then I say we fucking well DESERVE the pain! Microwaves, thanks to some inbred hick freak who tried to dry her toy poodle in one, now have to have warnings in the manual stating that one should not put live animals in microwave ovens because it may kill them. No shit? God damn, I'm glad I found out, and so is Sparky!
Toys, if you haven't looked at them recently, ALL have warning labels. A toy scooter was found with a warning label that says: "This product moves when used." Forgive my incredible ignorance, but wasn't that the whole fucking point? "Caution: flammable!" ANYTHING is flammable if you have enough heat! Why do we need flame retardant teddy bears? So that Baby's First Bic Lighter doesn't turn out to be a bad idea?
Toilet brushes that state "Do not use for personal hygiene," vending machine tacos warning us that "content may be hot when heated!" I wouldn't be surprised to find a beer bottle with a huge warning on it reading: "Caution, breaking this bottle over someones head, then stabbing them repeatedly in the face with the shards may cause injuries."
To be fair, I don't blame the labels, they don't annoy me. I don't even blame the people that put the labels there. I blame the asshole idiot that 1: was stupid enough to do something that idiotic with a harmless product to begin with, and 2: didn't have enough fucking shame in their bones to shut the hell up about it, but decided that they had to sue someone for it! Well, I'm sorry that looking into the action-end of a nailgun to see if something was stuck lost you one of your eyes, I truly am. Next time put it BETWEEN them to see if THAT works better! If nothing else, you'll at least save the rest of us some grief.
It's not just labels, you know. The asswits have also gotten into my precious cigarette packs to make a "safer cigarette." Safer? Oh, they're not talking about tar and nicotine and all that good stuff, they're talking about the actual fire part of it! Get this, they changed the paper they use to make cigarettes to not burn as well so that, if left alone, they'll self-extinguish. They found that too many people were falling asleep with their cigarettes lit, burning themselves to death. You know what that is? Natural fucking selection! Darwinism at its finest! Weeding out the idiots before they do too much damage to the rest of us! But that's makes too much sense, so now I have to re-light each cigarette three times unless I power-puff it.
Okay, an analogy if I may be permitted ... a herd of antilope are out on the African savannah (or wherever they may roam) one fine afternoon, grazing and getting some action behind a tree, having a drink at the watering hole maybe, when some lions show up ... one of the antilopes walks up to the lions to see what they want. What does nature do? Here, I'll even make it multiple choice for you.
[a] Negotiate a peace treaty between the lions and the antilope
[b] Slap a warning label on the lion which states: "Caution: this animal may attack you, leading to bleeding, crushing of the head, clawing of the anus and possibly death"
[c] KILL THE FUCKING ANTILOPE
The answer, if you haven't figured it out by now, is c. Nature doesn't fuck around with the weakest link, duct taping it back together, it eliminates it in the cruelest and most efficient way it possibly can!
If someone drinks some Raid, you may find a warning label on the can that reads something to the effect of: "Induce vomiting, see a physician immediately." What it SHOULD read is: "You make me want to vomit, see a fucking bullet."
Oh, and PS.
As much as I abhore lawyers, don't try to blame this one on them. If people had brains enough to not stick a fork into a plugged-in toaster, lawyers wouldn't have a job.
PPS.
Pepper spray cannisters are labeled: "May irritate eyes."
PPPS. A co-worker of mine just showed me a bag of toasted almonds ... it has a warning label that reads: INGREDIENTS: Toasted blanched sliced almonds. Contains the following allergen: Almonds.
posted by Larf at 12:13 AM
2 Comments:
GIVEN THE NATURE OF THE HUMAN RACE ARE WE SURE DARWIN WAS RIGHT?
While I was compelled to alter my entire outlook on life based on your brilliant analysis of Darwinian theory of evolution, something within me tells me not to listen to someone who can't figure out the proper use of a caps lock key. Thank you for playing.
Post a Comment
<< Home