Tax Non-Smokers!

So, I'm driving home from work when some anti-smoker commercial comes on the radio, and it's talking about second hand smoking. Apparantly this is when a non-smoker inhales the smoke from a cigarette being smoked by another person near them. Research shows that second-hand smokers inhale about 10% of what the actual smoker inhales. What the fuck is this? Why do they get to smoke for free, while us real smokers have to pay through the nose? Well, I for one have had enough of you moochers, and I want to start getting some money back!

Okay, let's look at the evidence. A pack of cigarettes, on average, costs around $5.00 (I live in NY state, we tax everything to death in these parts). Around 31% of that is all taxes going to the state. Now, $1.55 of my pack of smokes goes to the state. Let's say I smoke a pack a day, that's $565.75 in a year.

Now, let's look at non-smokers, A.K.A., Mooches. They smoke 10% of my smokes for free. However, the actual cost of smoking 10% of my cigarettes comes out to around $182.50. Thus, I propose the following:

1. Non-smokers are taxed $182.50 per year, while smokers like myself only pay $383.25 in taxes, which comes out to 21% instead of the %31.5 we have now.
2. Non-smokers are forced to pay retribution for the years of theft they have been doing. I've been a smoker for around 10 years, which comes out to around $1,825.00. This money is to be taken from the incomes of non-smokers over the next 5 years.

Do you have any idea what would happen if everyone quit smoking? Would it be a beautiful world to live in? No, quite the opposite in fact. All the money that we're paying to the state on a yearly basis would be gone, and the state doesn't like to lose money, so that means they start taxing other things. There's a proposed tax increase on cigarettes now with which they seek to increase the states' tax revenue by around $175,000,000.00. How? By increasing the cost of a pack of cigarettes by $0.45. This, assuming that my math is correct, means that they're already getting over $600,000,000.00 from cigarettes alone. Now, can you tell me with a straight face that Big Brother would wave good bye to that money and not go digging elsewhere? Increased gas prices, sales tax, income tax, etc? If you can, then you my friend are either the best liar I have met to date, or you need to be bludgeoned with a stick until you stop moving, because such stupidity deserves the death penalty.

"But the state would save money on hospital bills!" you say? Okay, let's look at more facts ...

Proposed fact by anti-smoking propaganda: Smoking will take 10 years off your life expectancy.

To quote Dennis Leary, "Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!?"

Funny, but there's some truth to it as well. How many Senior Citizens do you know that contribute to the economy? Beyond retirement, not a whole fucking lot of them. That is, of course, unless they're forced to get a job because the money they do get from Social Security is a joke in itself. Don't get me wrong, I think old people are great, and I feel no need to ship them off to labor camps in the Ukraine, but facts are facts.

Now, let's say for a moment -- hypothetically speaking, of course -- that every smoker quit smoking now, and added 10 years to their lives. That's 10 years for around 46 million people. How much does a non-productive citizen cost this country in a year? Around $12,000.00? Well, the numbers are in, and we're talking about $552,000,000,000.00 (Five Hundred and Fifty Two BILLION DOLLARS). Now, compare that to the amount supposedly spent on hospital bills by the state.

Okay, so we know how much quitting smoking will cost us, let's go digging for some numbers ... how much is the annual health care cost for smoker's? Well, per a report back in late 1998, $72,000,000,000.00. Let's add some inflation, and let's be generous, shall we? We'll add $28,000,000,000.00 to that, adding up to a total of One Hundred Billion Dollars! Wow, that's a lot! Well, if you compare it to the $552 billion that quitting smoking would cost, we're still missing $452 billion. Add to that the loss of taxes, and suddenly this whole quitting smoking thing isn't looking so cool, is it?

Well, what do you say? More than double your taxes, or stop your fucking whining and propaganda, and let us smokers kill ourselves if that's what we wish to do? It seems fair to me.

Oh, and I expect my check for $1,850.00 in the mail by the end of the month. Fucking mooches.

Who would win?

If Mr. Brawny and Mr. Clean were to battle it out in an Arena of discord, who would win? My bet would be on Mr. Clean. Why? He doesn't look Canadian.

Who would win in a battle?

Brawny Guy Mr. Clean

What's the rush?

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
- Chauncey Depew (1834 - 1928)

Okay, color me puzzled, but what's up with all the excercise freaks running around these days? The sun just came out from its hibernation, the days are growing long and warm, and people want to ... run? Did I miss another national idiot holiday memo?

The thing with excercise is that it's ... well, painful. I see people out killing their knees first thing in the morning by jogging, their faces warped with pain, their legs screaming for mercy, and these people have somehow convinced themselves that they're going to live forever because of this practice. Of course there are the less painful variations which are great if you don't want to look like a fucking idiot. Power-walking? What the hell is this? While I haven't actually done any research on the subject, I have witnessed the act, and what I can tell is this: you arch your back so that your shoulders are actually behind your feet, stick your ass out as much as possible, flex your biceps and stiff-leg it around the park a couple of times. Am I getting this right? And this is good for you ... how?

Then there's the backwards-walkers. I was standing outside my place of employment one day chuckling at the people jogging on a nearby path, when I see an old man walking backwards. Not only that, he was power-walking backwards. As it turns out, this is another fad that's supposed to be good for you. Sure it is, if you want head trauma. Of course, if you're performing this ridiculous task, chances are you are already suffering from head trauma. I wanted to walk over to the old man and tell him, "!uoy revo skcab rac a epoh I ?!gniod uoy era lleh eht tahW" A friend of mine, who goes to a gym like an idiot, told me that there are actually people who go to the gym to walk backwards on a treadmill! I wish these people would go backwards hunting, instead, so they could shoot themselves in the head!

We Hates Them, Precious!

Sadly I could not find a proper quotation that fits my topic of the day: car alarms. Sorry.

How many times have you sat comfortably in your couch or chair watching your favorite show when some asshole's car alarm goes off for no particular reason? Not only that, but the car alarm will continue to go off for several minutes before it automatically shuts off. Now, how many times have you seen cops or the owner actually respond to the car alarm? What the fuck is the point of having an alarm on your vehicle if you or the cops or your security agency refuse to pay any attention to it? Just so you can be an annoying ass in posession of a security system with a value double of the pathetic thing you call a car? I extend my middle finger in salute to your extreme lack of brainpower.

Now, if I decided to install an alarm on my vehicle and it actually went off, I would go out to my car, turn off the alarm, then check the vehicle for any damage. Forgive my assumption, but I thought that was the whole fucking point of the idiotic device to begin with? Of course, after having had to get dressed and go outside to do this in the middle of the night a few dozen times, I would then perform a quick uninstallation of the device with the RTFTOASOI method. For those of you who may not be familiar with this procedure, it means "Rip The Fucking Thing Out And Step On It."

A note for the insurance companies out there, I have a plan to reduce your expenditures. Stop reducing insurance rates for people who have car alarms installed, raise them instead. Let's call it an "Asshole Fee." The results of this action are as follows:

1. Road rage decreases once people don't wake up from idiot neighbors' car alarms going off in the middle of the night. A good night's sleep makes for a happy driver. A happy driver won't try to force someone off the road causing damage to multiple vehicles -- damage you have to compensate for.
   
2. People aren't tempted to go out in the middle of the night to key someone's car because they won't shut off their fucking alarms.

You want a car alarm that works? Get one that fills the car with cyanide gas or electrocutes the person driving off with your car. Get one that speeds the car up to 90mph, then makes a sharp right turn. Get a car alarm doesn't make a fucking sound unless it's the death rattle of the guy trying to hotwire your truck. Get a fucking car alarm that sends 50,000 volts through your pathetic body if you don't shut it off within 2 minutes, and rid the rest of us of your stupidity.

Thank you for your compliance in this matter.

Sincerely,
-Tired