Vegetarians -- The Other White Meat

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

So, vegetarians ... Here's a breed of people I don't understand. I mean, seriously, who came up with the idea of eating only vegetables? As I understand it, there are a few different groups of human herbivores, too ...

Vegetarian: the good, old, plain vegetarian -- will not eat any meat products, and the stricter ones won't even eat eggs. Some choose this lifestyle because they simply don't like meat, and them I can respect. I don't eat shit I don't like, either (look forward to a blog entry about the evils of tomatoes). However, there's another group of people that insists on not eating meat and other various animal products because they "feel sorry for the animals." To those people I can only say this: we're at the top of the fucking food chain for a reason. Ever heard of the food chain? Don't worry, I'll explain it later. However, you will often find these people wearing animal products, such as leather shoes, jackets, etc. They drive cars with leather interiors, and work in places that sport plenty of dead animal parts. Perhaps they're not as fanatic as we sometimes think ... or perhaps they're just stupid.

Now, there's also the vegan. This is the suicide-bomb-fanatic version of the animal lover, so fanatic that they will not eat any animal products, nor will they wear or purchase anything which causes any pain to animals, or even slight discomfort. Milk is out of the question, because it comes from cows, and all that crap.

Now, let's discuss the logic behind these lifestyles ... back to the food chain, shall we?

The sun heats the earth, and with this energy and photosynthesis plants can grow. The plants are the producers, and they are at the bottom of the food chain. From here we move onto the consumers. At the very bottom of this long list we have primarily insects which eat the producers (plants), and other herbivores, ranging from fish and birds to cows, elephants, etc. Above the primary consumers we have the secondary consumers, which feed off of the primary consumers -- these would be the animals that eat other animals. This continues to tertiary consumers, and so on up until we get to ... that's right, the top of the food chain: humans.

Earth and its nature has spent aeons developing this carefully structured and well designed plan -- this ecosystem -- so I only have one question for die-hard vegetarians and vegans: who the fuck made you god and told you that you have the right to screw with Mother Nature's plan? 4,000 MILLION years ago the right combination of molecules happened to bump into each other to form the first building structures for life as we know it. Maybe 505 million years ago the first vertebrates start swimming around, feeding off of plants and each other. About 100,000 years ago the first humans start walking around beating up all the other apes and various tasty animals. Now you come along and decide that all that was a mistake? We've been doing it wrong all this time? Well, if that isn't proof that not eating meat prevents neurons from firing in the brain, I don't know what is.

The whole "cruelty to animals" harangue is getting really old. If you want to see true cruelty to animals, turn on the fucking TV and flip to the Discovery channel. Take a good look at that cheetah as it digs its fangs into the neck of an antelope, lapping up the fresh blood pouring from the veins of its victim until the antelope is dead. How's that for cruelty? Maybe you should also take a good look at the polar bear, see how it sits over a hole in the ice, waiting for a seal to come up for some air ... then clamp its jaws around the seal's head before it paints the ice red with seal blood. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch a polar bear mother cave in a seal birth lair to feed her young with the delectable seal cubs. Now that's good eating!

Of course, there's the "we're better than that" crap. Fuck your faux moral superiority! We shouldn't be separating ourselves from nature, we should be part of it! Humans are part of the eco-system, and without us, everything would go amok! You hear about what happens when even the smallest part of the ecosystem gets wiped out? The entire chain collapses. Now, what the hell do you think would happen if you took out the primary hunter from that equation?

No, let's do Mother Nature one worse, shall we? Not only will we stop controlling the population of secondary and tertiary consumers, we'll start eating the food of the primary consumers like a gaggle of good vegetarians! Yeah, that's a good idea! Or ... maybe it's not. Let's see ... the animals that are just below us on the food chain would thrive because we wouldn't be controlling the population (you know, like nature intended), then they (lacking our moral superiority)would start whittling down the consumers below them, and so on, and so on until the pyramid stands upside down. What happens to an upside down pyramid? Use your imagination. It falls. It crumbles, cracks, crashes and all that's left is a foundation of rubble ... a foundation on which a new era of species can begin. Who knows, maybe the dinosaurs can get a second chance? They may not have been the smartest beasts around, but they made for some good cinematography.

I think of vegetarians and vegans like I do of fanatic religious zealots -- let them do what they want as long as they keep me the fuck out of it. Come to think of it, I'm actually all for vegetarians and vegans, because when the food chain finally collapses from underneath us and we have to resort to cannibalism, vegetarians in their weakened, malnourished, protein-deficient states will be easy prey. Perhaps I'll end up on the Discovery channel wearing vegetarian-leather boots, chasing down a hemp sandal wearing vegan, and you can see me sinking my teeth into his neck ... Yum.