Leave the Lesbians Alone
Ever noticed how modern, "enlightened" males hunger for one thing more than anything else? Lesbians. They want to be with lesbians, they want to find out that their girlfriends are lesbians, and they hope to be part of a love-triangle with two, or other geometrical shapes with more, lesbians. Well, there's just one logistical blunder here; lesbians don't want them. Perhaps it's just that they are uneducated and do not understand what the word "lesbian" means? I would love to think that it's just stupidity that is to blame here, but alas, I doubt it.
Think about it, guys, if you were in a relationship with a lesbian (a highly unlikely situation, since most of you have problems getting laid with someone who tends to lean towards sexual encounters with your gender, let alone someone who wants nothing to do with you because you have a cock), what would you do with her? Would you both sit at a romantic, candle lit dinner, drink some wine and talk about women neither of you can have? Perhaps you'll discuss the top ten female models and how you'd like some intimate time with them, maybe watch some "Girls Gone Wild" video, then go off to each your seperate rooms to have sex with your own appendages? Yes, that sounds like a fun and rewarding relationship.
Guys, of course, will tell you that "she's only a lesbian until she meets the right guy," or spout the vomitous phrase which by itself disproves the presence of a divine plan: "She just needs a good dicking." No god would allow for this kind of senseless waste of neurons. So, maybe I'm wrong, maybe some stupidity is involved here. Seriously, people, are you really that omni-idiotic and/or delusional that you buy into your own bullshit to this extreme level?
My hope -- no, my desperate hope -- is this: the majority of guys in this world are aware of their sexual limitations, aware of the threshold between what is, and what will never be, and they are content with this. Men who "love" lesbians are actually conscious of the fact that they will never be the proverbial meat in a lesbian sandwich. So why then the persistence? Because they find it exciting to watch or think about while they do what they'd be doing anyway: performing the act of self-pleasing.
The utterly baffling part is that most of the guys who are like this are the most homophobic if, and only if it's a man-on-man action. Perhaps this is why they love lesbians so much, because then they don't have to see cocks in action.
While I am sure that Freud would have been able to go on for hours on end about the psychology behind man's attraction to lesbians, fear of the phalli of their peers, envy of size and sexual prowess, oedipal angst towards their own fathers ... I, on the other hand, will just state the obvious; you're a bunch of fucking idiots.
You may have noticed that, throughout this post, I refer to men as "them" instead of "us." Why? Because I'm fearful of being a memberof a class which so willingly embraces its own faults and phalli.
Think about it, guys, if you were in a relationship with a lesbian (a highly unlikely situation, since most of you have problems getting laid with someone who tends to lean towards sexual encounters with your gender, let alone someone who wants nothing to do with you because you have a cock), what would you do with her? Would you both sit at a romantic, candle lit dinner, drink some wine and talk about women neither of you can have? Perhaps you'll discuss the top ten female models and how you'd like some intimate time with them, maybe watch some "Girls Gone Wild" video, then go off to each your seperate rooms to have sex with your own appendages? Yes, that sounds like a fun and rewarding relationship.
Guys, of course, will tell you that "she's only a lesbian until she meets the right guy," or spout the vomitous phrase which by itself disproves the presence of a divine plan: "She just needs a good dicking." No god would allow for this kind of senseless waste of neurons. So, maybe I'm wrong, maybe some stupidity is involved here. Seriously, people, are you really that omni-idiotic and/or delusional that you buy into your own bullshit to this extreme level?
My hope -- no, my desperate hope -- is this: the majority of guys in this world are aware of their sexual limitations, aware of the threshold between what is, and what will never be, and they are content with this. Men who "love" lesbians are actually conscious of the fact that they will never be the proverbial meat in a lesbian sandwich. So why then the persistence? Because they find it exciting to watch or think about while they do what they'd be doing anyway: performing the act of self-pleasing.
The utterly baffling part is that most of the guys who are like this are the most homophobic if, and only if it's a man-on-man action. Perhaps this is why they love lesbians so much, because then they don't have to see cocks in action.
While I am sure that Freud would have been able to go on for hours on end about the psychology behind man's attraction to lesbians, fear of the phalli of their peers, envy of size and sexual prowess, oedipal angst towards their own fathers ... I, on the other hand, will just state the obvious; you're a bunch of fucking idiots.
You may have noticed that, throughout this post, I refer to men as "them" instead of "us." Why? Because I'm fearful of being a memberof a class which so willingly embraces its own faults and phalli.
posted by Larf at 7:39 AM
34 Comments:
Clearly you are confused. What they need is to be slapped in the face with a penis. Now some people such as my self have to get very close to do this. But once they get "the love slap" as i like to call it, they realize that no finger no matter how much bigger will pleasure them. This brings me to the real point of my comment. I am organizing a world wide Lesbian Dick Slap Rally. I call on all men, small and large, on May 30th find all the lesbians you can and slap some sense into them.
It's referred to as the "Purple Mushroom Stamp", or the "Tiger Stripe"... these are both badges to wear proudly. I'm in for this rally. I'll even bring the Pabst Blue Ribbon...
Ok, i think where some of you are going wrong, is you are fantasizing about lesbians. I perfer to fantasize about bi-sexual women, and more to the point bi-sexual women of the "lipstick" type. As was stated in the original post, lesbians want men about as much as strait men want other men.
Further more, in responce to the "Love slap". I have found you it is much easier to make it with a member of the fairer sex using a few glasses of good wine and a "love slap", then just a love slap. Apparently most women liked to be treated as people rather then toys. But in all cases it really, really helps if you actually speak with women rather then gawk at them from the wall.
I agree with Mike there. The last girl I was with was a bi-sexual. It was much better than just a straight girlfirend. We would discuss which attractive woman on TV that we would gladly take home for a good time. On trips to the local mall, I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my eyes off of other women because she would be learing as much as I would. On nights out to the clubs, she would be the one who would pick out the woman to take home with us, initiate the encounter, and "seal the deal". No matter what happend after that point, I was included in it. It was great. I would definitely date another bi-sexual woman in the future.
Little Diddler, you're ... yeah ... I'm just going to move on to the next one.
Actually I'm going to move on to the third one.
Mike Oxbig, you plan on showing that post to your girlfriend, don't you? Almost fooled me, though. Good one.
Howie, I'm trying to think of the alternative which puts you in the best light ... either you weren't enough to satisfy your girlfriend on your own (I notice she's now the "last" girlfriend, did she tire from your excessive parts?), or you just fell asleep at the keyboard and typed out one of your day dreams ... I think the latter suits you best. Personally I'll take advice from you right after I confer with people in the unemployment line on how to make it big in the corporate world. Thanks for playing, though.
I was waiting for you to make a comment about that. I chose to leave out the explanation because I honestly didn't believe that someone of your "intelligence" would have to resort to such a cheap shot to pick apart my comment. But, F.Y.I., we broke up because I had to move and she didn't want to leave her successful career. It wasn't love by any means, it was just a good time. There was nothing there emotionally that would have driven either of us to give up our own futures and dreams. In my current locale, I would be glad to be with a woman like that again.
ummm, no, it's not that i want my girlfriend to see the post so she can think she has suck a good and sensitive man. Quite frankly my girlfriend thinks I'm an asshole, and i like it that way (it's more entertaining). The post was in reference to the hordes of guys who wouldn't know how to have a good time if it fell out of the sky, landed on there face and wiggeld. You know, the kind that will go out to a bar, see a few good looking women and stand around talking about how they would fill'um out like an application, split them open like a gutted tuna, or put them in positions that would make Gumby scream. You could place these guys in a monkey whore house, give them a sack of bananas and they still couldn't get laid.
This, by the way is the mental image i get of you. The sort of fuzzy foreigner who looks like a hippie trying to fit in with the Valhalla crowd. The guy who over compensates for his insecurity in his heterosexuality by participating in homoerotic pranks on his friends/coworkers. Why i bet you go home and watch reruns of baywatch just for the shots of David Hasselhoff running in slow motion.
So while you mock me for the wine and dine approach to meeting women, remember, I'll be getting laid while your still bitching that guys like lesbians.
Seriously, people, are you really that omni-idiotic and/or delusional that you buy into your own bullshit to this extreme level?
In a word? Yep! :)
And... what's wrong with David Hasselhoff aside from his singing? I loved Knight Rider!
Mike Oxbig said:
"suck a good and sensitive man"
Good one ...
As for my sexuality, I'm fairly confident in my mostly heterosexual orientation. But, trust me, even if I was a full blown (pun awkward, but not intended) homosexual ... you wouldn't be my type. I'm sure some guys might fall for that gimpy Antonio Banderas "look at me, I'm ethnic" poser type, but not me, sorry. Even if you did wine and dine, which is fine and all, unless you label it "an approach." You big, romantic lug. David Hasselhoff? Not my type, either, though I'll take his car. Knight rider was awesome ... then I turned 12 and kind of grew out of it.
Howie, cheap shots are fun, too. Most of my blogs are all about cheap shots disguised by multi-syllable words and extravagant analogies. I'm glad I had you fooled, though.
I get it Mike oxbig = my cocks big. hahaha. Seriously though, why don't we all post with our real names, i mean i have given you not just my first name, but first middle and last. Making things up like Mike Oxbig and Howie Feltersnatch is silly. It's not my fault you weren't born into the last name diddler, and had parents willing to call you The with Little as the middle name.
The next post is written by a homosexual man.
DISCLAIMER: I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces from me and sticks to you!
moving on...
Larf, you bad boy, you're getting too far into it. The answer man's uber lesbo-lusting is a simple question of numbers.
The reason hot estrogenic action is so great...is because it takes two!
That's it! End of story! We, as men, are wonderfully simple. Employing elementry mathematics to research this addiction, we find that:
2 > 1
Ah! Just bask in the warmth of man's buffooneryism! A new word! yay! (Once again, I demonstrate man's nitwittiness)
And just ponder this one jugheads:
x > 2
where x >= 3
!!! Wow! Now put them together (with some slight modifications) and you get:
(XX > 1) = w00t!
where XX >= 2
Conclusion: As long as there's more than one lady (XX), we get happypants'd.
Need further proof, Nancy Naysayer?!
Here we see that, once again, the meaning of everything can be found at HomestarRunner.com:
In email #35, "Sisters," we find the ever suave Strong Bad in a situation very relevant to our thread here.
We see here that even ladies can employ this easy mathmatical theory! C'mon! They spell it out for him! How much more can you ask for? Unfortunately Strong Bad was thwarted by his compy. A boy and his toys.
Would he have succeeded? Could the Man's Man of the H*S world seal the deal, given a 'do-over'? :O! m0mgz!
Let us see.
Ah! Alas, the imbecility of man has thwarted him! Woe! This is why we cannot have nice things.
Whoa! Tangent! Sry guys...back on track.
Moving on to 'the diddler':
Great idea bro...Don't I wish a good set of 'Jail Bars' (some other good calls made by boss hog) could change a hardened militant lesbian. Let me know if they ever find Jimmy once he's been separated from your person.
I'm going to skip over mikey and head straight for Howard.
Howard is unable to completely satisfy his ex-girlfriend. Because he does not have a vagina. You see Larfer, those kind of chicks, or as I like to call them "good girls," have more eclectic needs.
And I argue that they are never fully satisfied: as any knowledge increases, so too does the potential for learning more. Sometimes this happens exponentially. Crazed bi's who study the carnal pleasures vigorously just keep going until they break. They either:
a) break down and become staunch monogomus (spelling) housewives who hate themselves because they are hiding their true desires.
b) break on through to the other side of the plate...the carpeted side.
c) get crazy herpes...i mean seriously raging out-of-control herp.
Maybe some stay the way they are...it is the new millenia.
Sidenote: Comfort and security in your sexual alignment is a great thing.
The diddler keeps bothering me to post...so i'll post and play my other cards later.
Are you implying that in an infinitely large cyber world that you and I could somehow know each other, let alone be in such close proximity as to allow me to speak with you? To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in the great Casablanca "Of all the blogs in all the world you had to walk into mine." Just because 99% of Larfsen's readers are coworkers does not mean that I am a coworker as well.
Also I think Mr. Speed Typer made an excellent point. Well said Speed.
Thank You.
Now, how could I possibly have co-workers, when according to BobbyRay, I'm "rolling in welfare"? I think you're all on the crack.
Milton ... it's nice to add another tally to the list of "American Males Who Can't Spell Monogamous." As for your theory about bisexuals and polygamy, the two are not related. The same applies to straight people and mono/bi/polygamous relationships -- it boils down to simple moral values and ethics. Now, don't judge that statement as me saying that "unless you only have one partner you will surely burn in hell!" For one, I believe hell is a corner bar somewhere in TN called "Leon's Liquour Lounge," in which they play a slow medley of white man's blues and neo-country music. Back to the issue ... if someone is able to live a relational life with multiple partners, and not lie about it, then fine. I doubt the mental state of people in such a relationship, but who am I to judge? Oh, that's right. Your boss who's not afraid to abuse the power which corrupts.
Mr. Speed Diddler, thank you for ensuring that the excess quota of bandwidth was spent, even though you had nothing to contribute, at least you accomplised that much. Oh, look, some oxygen that's not being used, can you go make sure it's wasted on something? Like, your breath? Thanks.
Touche old man, touche.
/puffoncigar
I don't think i put that last part right because of teh Speed Diddler rushing me...that bastard. I think the use of the word housewife is wrong...I was going for a hipocritical breakdown...
Wait a sec...I don't know enough 'girls gone wild' to know what happens to them! Fuck it! Scratch that whole part...except for the herpes part...I love a good post about herpes.
/slowpuffoncigar
*sigh*
Hey! Where is that cornhole BobbyRay anyway?
It's amazing as to how many people out there cannot believe that a bi-sexual woman could not have received satisfaction with a man her in life. Do I detect a bit of jealousy here. All I am trying to do here is to present evidence in contradiction to the argument. This is what is commonly referred to as a "discussion". The concept has been around for thousands of years now, maybe you guys should check it out. Before I get too far off track here, I will make my point more simple. In certain rare circumstances, it is entirely possible to obtain the "holy grail" of heterosexual male fantasies. I am here to say that anyone here can be the meat in the middle of a lesbian sandwich. This is not just a myth perpetuated by the modern pornography industry. Perhaps the reason that many of you doubt this and my story alltogether, is that you simply have not been able to find a real life example of this. After all, we simply don't believe in what we cannot see. In the end though, it's all about finding the correct woman to try this with. A die-hard, man-hating dyke is not the kind of woman that you want to attempt this with. Those are definitely the type of women who wouldn't want a phallus anywhere near them. Or, perhaps everyone here, with the exception of Mike, just hasn't figured out how to approach the whole situation with a woman. As he stated, most guys would just look at a attractive bi-sexual woman and say what they would do to her, but not try it. I'm thinking that most of you fall into this category. Just give it a shot guys. What's the worst that can happen? You end up at home masturbating and crying to old Abba records again?
Howie said:
"Do I detect a bit of jealousy here."
Oh, come on, you were almost sounding kind of intelligent until you spouted that fecal-matter-infused line. It's a line currently reserved for Jerry Springer guests, and it's the most used to death come-back since "oh, yeah?" and about as effective. The line is more worn than Madonna's crotch.
"I am here to say that anyone here can be the meat in the middle of a lesbian sandwich."
Yeah, if you're a lesbian. If I have to elaborate more, go see a wall about your face.
"it's all about finding the correct woman to try this with."
And how much are those women costing you these days?
"You end up at home masturbating and crying to old Abba records again?"
If you ever use that kind of language in my blog again, I'll just insta-delete your comments. The word "Abba" is not to be spoken ever again, and that goes for everyone.
I was going to quote more of your post, but it looks like a random reply generator, so I'm not going to bother. "I'm better than all of you, see my balls, they're so big, blah blah blah." Way to go, Captain Generic, you got us all good.
Yummm, Bandwidth. /drool
that said my feelings are best expressed by a song, not exactly sure who sings it
"You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen"
That said i've decided to take extra breaths to ensure that i have removed all oxygen near you.
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Anybody Been to Arkansas?
I'm retarded
AnyBody Been to Arkansas?
BobbyRay, is that you?
"It's amazing as to how many people out there cannot believe that a bi-sexual woman could not have received satisfaction with a man her in life."
Oh, I'm a believer, bro. I've been there, I've taken that "shot." However, a man's ability to satisfy bi's was never my argument. As you see, I said 'complete' satisfaction. This should be plain fact. It's just not physically possible as we do not have the privelage of having a 'snapper'. (I love calling it that.)
Breathe easy with the blanket statements...
It is actually possible to achieve those kinds of fantasies, just not with lesbians. To me, a lesbian is just a man with a pair of breasts and a nice ass. Now, any man trying to seduce another man with a pair of breasts and a nice ass, well, he pretty much has no business fantasizing about women anyway.
Bisexual women, on the other hand, are fun to hang around. I mean, to be bisexual pretty much means you are either not very picky about who you end up with, or just plain sexually aroused most of the time. Either of which are generally good traits as far as the average guy is concerned.
Have you hugged a bisexual today? :)
"Bisexual women, on the other hand, are fun to hang around. I mean, to be bisexual pretty much means you are either not very picky about who you end up with, or just plain sexually aroused most of the time. Either of which are generally good traits as far as the average guy is concerned."
What has to be one of the dumbest things I've heard since ... well, since BobbyRay posted something. Being bisexual doesn't mean you "don't care who you end up with," it just means that your choice isn't limited by gender. Sure, if you're a bisexual you can end up in a sexual relationship with just about anyone, but you make it sound like bisexuals are bisexual because they're desperate.
As for being sexually aroused all the time, you mean like every average fucking Joe out there? Watching you perform your ignorant generalization is like watching someone trying to remove corn from their teeth with a sledge hammer.
Holy fuck I'm glad I'm not an average guy. If you're a sample of that mucilaginous mass, I'll be above, I'll be below, but not where you're at, kiddo.
Mucilaginous??? I take offense to that, you carcinogenic heap of rancid guano! I didn't say they didn't care, I was just trying to say the average fucking joe had a better chance of getting into a threesome with a bixesual than a lesbian! And, yes, the average fucking joe is horny all the time! Including many bisexuals!
That having been said, I heartily apologize to any bisexuals I may have offended with my sweeping generalizations. And, if any of you are still open for a threesome with me and a hot chick, please respond to this post!!!
FUCK THE FRENCH!!!!!
Errrrr. Female bisexuals only need apply.
Mucilaginous Mass
How open minded of you. I'm sure you'll draw in the bisexuals now. The women, that is. Beating them off with a stick yet?
Didn't think so.
Of course he's not beating them off! Only gay people work at LocalNet!
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