Leave the Lesbians Alone

Ever noticed how modern, "enlightened" males hunger for one thing more than anything else? Lesbians. They want to be with lesbians, they want to find out that their girlfriends are lesbians, and they hope to be part of a love-triangle with two, or other geometrical shapes with more, lesbians. Well, there's just one logistical blunder here; lesbians don't want them. Perhaps it's just that they are uneducated and do not understand what the word "lesbian" means? I would love to think that it's just stupidity that is to blame here, but alas, I doubt it.

Think about it, guys, if you were in a relationship with a lesbian (a highly unlikely situation, since most of you have problems getting laid with someone who tends to lean towards sexual encounters with your gender, let alone someone who wants nothing to do with you because you have a cock), what would you do with her? Would you both sit at a romantic, candle lit dinner, drink some wine and talk about women neither of you can have? Perhaps you'll discuss the top ten female models and how you'd like some intimate time with them, maybe watch some "Girls Gone Wild" video, then go off to each your seperate rooms to have sex with your own appendages? Yes, that sounds like a fun and rewarding relationship.

Guys, of course, will tell you that "she's only a lesbian until she meets the right guy," or spout the vomitous phrase which by itself disproves the presence of a divine plan: "She just needs a good dicking." No god would allow for this kind of senseless waste of neurons. So, maybe I'm wrong, maybe some stupidity is involved here. Seriously, people, are you really that omni-idiotic and/or delusional that you buy into your own bullshit to this extreme level?

My hope -- no, my desperate hope -- is this: the majority of guys in this world are aware of their sexual limitations, aware of the threshold between what is, and what will never be, and they are content with this. Men who "love" lesbians are actually conscious of the fact that they will never be the proverbial meat in a lesbian sandwich. So why then the persistence? Because they find it exciting to watch or think about while they do what they'd be doing anyway: performing the act of self-pleasing.

The utterly baffling part is that most of the guys who are like this are the most homophobic if, and only if it's a man-on-man action. Perhaps this is why they love lesbians so much, because then they don't have to see cocks in action.

While I am sure that Freud would have been able to go on for hours on end about the psychology behind man's attraction to lesbians, fear of the phalli of their peers, envy of size and sexual prowess, oedipal angst towards their own fathers ... I, on the other hand, will just state the obvious; you're a bunch of fucking idiots.

You may have noticed that, throughout this post, I refer to men as "them" instead of "us." Why? Because I'm fearful of being a memberof a class which so willingly embraces its own faults and phalli.

Sirens of Medusa

Yes, you know the ones that turn living flesh into stone with their voices alone.

Ben Franklin said, "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade." Contrarily I submit to you, that if the sundial is wrong, keep it in your closet.

I'm talking about singing here, folks, if you didn't catch it with my topic and starting line. There seems to be an overabundance of people, these days, who for some reason believe they have a talent for singing, or even if they don't, profess to sing regardless. Why? If "American Idol" is to blame, then that "show" just jumped to the top of my "Reasons to Take Over the World So I Can Squelch Shit" list. However, I'm not talking about TV shows, I'm not talking about bad artists who release CDs when they should be working on their suicide notes instead (I mean people like you, Corey Feldman, whose sole contribution to this world was a handful of crappy movies in the 80s -- put the fucking microphone down and start writing. You even sucked in The Goonies). I'm talking about your average Joe. I'm talking about the neighbor who insists on sharing his auditory equivalent of rat vomit with the entire neighborhood. Listen, buddy, I don't care if you got laid last night, STFU -- my ears are not equipped to handle such abuse.

Listen, I don't fart in your face, I don't apply a cheese grater to your ass, I don't drip sulfuric acid in your eyes, so why do you have to sing whenever I'm near? You know who you are.

I don't sing near you, do I? I don't even sing near myself! I have no singing skills or talent, and I'm completely willing and able to admit that. Just because every street bum in dozens of musicals are capable vocalists doesn't mean you were born with such an aptitude. Trust me, you are no melodic prodigy any more than I am. Why don't you just, like I did, admit your shortcomings and move on to something that won't offend your fellows.

Until you're willing to either a) take voice lessons and keeping your disharmonic assaults to your soon-to-be-impaired tutor, b) get a surgical procedure performed that might improve your voice (let's say ... a tracheotomy, perhaps?), or c) shut up, I hereby officially curse you with laryngitis. Have a nice day.

Proper English: Try it once, you might like it.

The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
-Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951), Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (1922)

Now I know this makes me strange and all, but is it so much to ask that people learn to speak and write their own fucking language? Dyslexia aside, I see more and more high school graduates -- and worse, college graduates -- that can't spell simple words. As you may or may not know, English is a second language to me. I learned to speak English in a foreign country, and moved here after that fact. Thus you may find some odd grammatical mutations and spelling mistakes throughout my posts. However, and you may feel free to disagree with me on this one, I do believe that you will find these freak errors to be fairly infrequent.

Let's start with spelling, shall we? First, can we stop slaughtering words on purpose? It's "you," not "u." I know it's pronounced the same, and it saves you time to cut two letters out of the word, but trust me -- your time isn't that fucking valuable, and what you have to say isn't that fucking good that I'm willing to sit through your slaughtering the English language to read it. If you can't be bothered to spell out whole words I can't be bothered to pay any attention to your drivel. Also, just because two words sound the same doesn't mean they're spelled the same. "Our" and "are," you will find, are two completely different words with two completely different meanings, and neither are spelled "r."

The appalling part is that people are taking this ignorance into the work place. I've just recently seen people applying for jobs, using cover letters that are so packed with mistakes that it really leaves me with the impression that the applicant is a moron, and if I have any say in it, the resume and cover letter go right into the shredder. If running a spell checker is too fucking much to ask, then a job is too much to ask for, that's right.

Now for punctuation. I don't expect everyone to put two spaces after a period, I don't expect everyone to remember to put the comma before the end quotation mark, and I expect people to not know how to use a semi colon. I do, however, expect people to use punctuation, PERIOD. Pun intended, fucking deal with it. I also expect people to stop using multiple exclamation points and question marks, because it's annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you think????????????????????????? You sound like a desperate crack addict looking to give head for your next rock. Slapping 20-30 additional punctuation marks after the last sentence doesn't make up for 7 paragraphs of failing to use any. If you can't make yourself understood with a single exclamation point ... well, use your fine command of the English language and shut the fuck up.

Finally let's talk about uppercase and lowercase letters, shall we? You know, the "big" and the "small" letters? For one, DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING, AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. secondly, don't ignore the shift key completely, i don't like it. I's (the pronouns) are always uppercase. If hitting the shift key at appropriate times is too complicated a task for you, then find a better use for your keyboard ... say, hitting yourself over the head with it until you a) bleed and b) are incapable of doing so.

Language is what makes us different from animals. Well, that, proper bipedal locomotion, an opposable thumb and the ability to learn rather than working from instinct. Regardless, without language we'd still be beating rocks together for entertainment, more than which a few of you neanderthals out there do not deserve. Some people say language is an art. I disagree. It's no more art than a paint brush. It's what you do with language that makes it art.

I took time to learn your language. Your turn, asshole.