A National Waste of Time

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

Okay, here's a topic that many people feel great passion for or against: sports. You love it or hate it. Or, of course, if you're me, you take the third alternative: loving to hate it.

Let's start with the traditional American sports; football, baseball and basketball.

Well, first of all, American football is nothing more than a bastardized and pussified version of rugby. Enough padding to take a bullet without leaving a mark, barely enough brains to dial a phone, that's the essence of it. 73.9% of the game is spent waiting for someone to do something. Statistics provided by my ass, from which I pulled that number. It's a bunch of guys running around with a testicle shaped ball, patting eachother on the ass, but somehow it's the most manly event available.

Secondly, it's the biggest fucking waste of money I can possibly imagine. How much does a football player make? I don't care how much or how little they get, it's 'way too fucking much regardless. Entertainment value, you say? Okay, for those of you out there who are into the ass-slapping, testicle chasing, astro-turf-man-orgie-with-helmet on national TV type of entertainment, well I guess you're right. But, can even you agree that they're getting their "fair share" for doing that? We're talking millions of dollars here, people! We're talking one person making more in one year than someone with a real job (let's say a nurse) makes in a lifetime. And people wonder why this country -- no, this world -- is so fucked up. If that isn't a prime example, I don't know what it.

Baseball, basketball ... I can't think of anything that makes them any different.

Now, some of you will say "there's an ancient culture to preserve here!" Yeah, yeah, the romans had their colosseum wth gladiator sports, and the gladiators were revered for their skills, plus they entertained the masses. Fine, I'll accept that. I submit, however, that this was at a time when entertainment was not so readily available as it is today, the hardship and encuberance of those times actually made a legitimate need for some kind of distraction, whereas our lazy asses have no need for such things. Also, the need for "sports" back then were also validated by the presence of actual hand-to-hand combat in war, as opposed to the pussy button pushing excuse for warfare these days. Before any of you freak out about the actual sacrifices made by modern day soldiers, I do realize that there's more to war than pushing buttons -- I'm just saying that war has also become sanitized, laundered ... it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be ugly, dirty, bloody, and it is to be feared by all.

Now, bouncing back from that side-rant, let me just wrap things up here, and conclude that sports are a waste of time, a waste of money, a waste of human resources, an amentia for culture, and a burden on society.

Of Myth

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
-Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

Let me get this straight ... God, in his allmightiness, created the universe, this little planet, stars to light up the sky, earth, water, plants and animals, and he did it all in 6 days? Okay, so far I'm with you. Wait, then he created man, then woman, they ate the one thing God said they couldn't, and he got angry and kicked them out. Am I getting this right? Is this basically what happened? Okay, so God, the allmighty himself, the one who not only knows all, is everywhere all the time, but also created everything, couldn't see this one coming? Not only is the one who knows everything surprised by the fact that his apples were eaten ... but then he got pissed off and kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden? His very first attempt at making a human, and he fucked it up!

Okay, call me weird -- I know I am -- but so far I'm not impressed, and we're barely out of Genesis!

You know how when some scientist comes up with a new drug or something, they then have to test it out for months, or even years, before they can release it to the public? Ever wonder if we're that failed experiment filed away in a cosmic file cabinet somewhere? I can completely picture God hanging out at his good planet, talking about us ... "Yeah, Bill, I created Earth before I got the hang of it. You know, it's not something I'm proud of, but as everyone knows, you have to beta test before releasing any product onto the market."

A Simple, Twisted Fate

People. Can't live with'em, can't eat'em.

I mean, c'mon, do we really need this many people? When are we going to face reality and realize that there's just too many of us? Allow me to be very unoriginal and do a quote from the Matrix:

I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a miserable person delving into the darkness of my soul, while I listen to goth music, contemplating the evil within and without. I'm generally a very personable person, I play well with others when I need to ... but unless I have to be around people, I won't be. Sadly, as luck would have it, I'm stuck with all of you.

Why this detestation? Well, allow me to present you with some simple examples ...

I work in Tech Support. Not just that, I work in Tech Support for an affordable internet provider. What that statement translates to is: if you're poor, uneducated, old, and just now getting into this wonder of technology called "The Web," you're probably one of my customers. I won't babble about technical conundrums, I'm talking basic stupidity here. I'm talking about people who, after 60 years of moseying through life, still need help discerning their left from their right. I'm talking about people who shouldn't be allowed near a toaster oven if it's plugged in, let alone a computer hooked up to the rest of the world.

You know the science shows where the mouse, trying to get to the cheese, gets zapped repeatedly every time it tries? That's the kind of intelligence level I'm dealing with on a daily basis ... the only difference is that the mouse learns its lesson and stops going for the cheese. The rodent-brains-hosted-by-human-bodies that I have to talk to just don't seem to learn.

And by the way, fuck you, Darwin! Why couldn't you have been right? Here you come up with this brilliant theory of evolution, but somehow humans have managed to screw that one up, too. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Darwinian Theory of Evolution, here's a dictionary's description: A theory of biological evolution developed by Charles Darwin and others, stating that all species of organisms arise and develop through the natural selection of small, inherited variations that increase the individual's ability to compete, survive, and reproduce. Survival of the fittest, baby! Looks great on paper, doesn't apply too well in reality unless you happen to be a non-human mammal. They actually play by the rules.

We're born, we're adorable little creatures, and then it's all downhill from there. We grow, we eat, we consume the very environment that we infest, and we produce nothing. Intellectual property over which we can argue, that's what we produce. Starvation, war, disease, it's all ours, it's what we do best ... we create death, we just can't seem to die.

I repeat: people, can't live with'em, can't eat'em. Well, why not? Wouldn't that be an ideal solution to a lot of our problems? Hunger would be gone, right? Sure, it's against our moralities, but when did they ever make sense? We kill, pillage and plunder for ideas, but somehow it's wrong to eat perfectly good meat? Instead of funerals, we should have dinner parties ... absorb your friends and family, allow them to become part of you, and let their memory live on through you. Wouldn't that be great?

I want to be served with onions, lots of onions ... a nice sauce, some potatoes ...

However, right now I could go for some Chinese.