Spankings -- Not just for adults anymore!

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)

It is truly amazing to me just what kids get away with these days. I hate to sound like an old fart, because I'm not even 30, but when I was a child ... well, children had more respect for their parents, and anyone considered a grownup. Why? Because the grown-ups held all the power, as well they should! Grownups held the power, they could order kids around, they were the ones in charge, and if you chose to dispute that fact ... well, they had lots of ways to remind you that yes, they were in charge.

So, I'm at the pharmacy one day to pick up some stuff, and I'm waiting in line. The pharmacy has kindly placed some scratch-lottery vending machines near the blood pressure machine thinger for those who have to wait a while. I, having learned (through experience) that those things never pay off, am still fascinated by their promises of riches and their blinking lights. There's a woman standing in front of me, her child (let's call him Damian, for the lack of a better name) is running around being annoying like children often do. The child runs over to the blood pressure machine, which is clearly labeled: "This is not a toy, do not let children play with this machine." Well, as it turned out the woman in front of me either couldn't read or couldn't give a fuck if Damian got his arm horribly mutilated. To be honest, neither could I. However, he was being annoying. Damian sticks his arm into the blood pressure machine labeled "This is not a toy," and starts pressing random buttons, because -- like his mother -- he also could not read. Eventually he hits the green button that starts inflating the arm cuff, and the machine says with a woman's voice, "Please sit still and do not talk." Look at that, the machine has more parenting skills than the bitch in front of me. However Damian, who is obviously not used to listening to anyone, turns around and looks at his female guardian type person (I refuse to call this waste of flesh a mother) and says, "What it say, mommy? What it say?" Apparantly teaching ones children to speak isn't part of parenting these days, either. Anyway, she tells Damian, "It said shut up and sit!" Actually it was more like she barked it. I could tell, her canines were showing.

At this point the machine had gotten a firm hold of Damian's arm, and Damian tried to pull his arm out, whining like ... well, a kid with his arm trapped by a machine. The female guardian type person, heretoforth referenced as "bitch," simply repeated her previous request for Damian to be still and quiet. Damian listened this time like he did the first time -- not at all. I stood there, part chuckling, part wanting to crack the bitch's head open with a bottle of vitamines, and I beheld the spectacle as it played out right in front of me. One of the pharmacy's employees looked over to see what the fuck was going on, and I thought to myself, "Finally! Someone will come out and yell at this kid and woman!" But alas, she simply went back to her pill sorting. Eventually the kid's arm was released, and he could now go on to more peaceful activities ... like trying to shove a Teenage Pregnancy pamphlet into the scratch lottery vending machine. He got it almost all the way in there before it got stuck. He also managed to remove it ... well, most of it, anyway, a corner was torn off. Can you guess what the bitch did? Absolutely fucking nothing! I couldn't believe it! If that kid had been me, I would have ... well, for one I wouldn't have acted like a demon on caffeine, but my parents also would have prevented me from being such an annoying little fuckwad.

What the hell is wrong with parents these days? I understand that spanking your child in public may not be the best idea, because you'll have cops taking you out like you were a columbian druglord carrying a bag full of papal heads, but come on! Speak to the child! Hold the child! Duct tape the child to the underside of your car if that's what it takes, but don't let the damn thing give me a headache!

Another happy little story from this very night. I'm at the grocery store, and I get to the deli counter. The deli has a neat little system with little paper tickets you get from a machine that, when you push a little lever, spits one out at you. This machine, by the way, fucking hates me, because every time I go to get one fucking ticket, it gives me half of one, or one and a half, and it just can't give me the one that I actually wanted! All I want is a number so I can get my fucking ham and cheese, is that so much to ask for? IS IT? Anyway, that's a different story ... so there I am, getting ready to face my opponent, the ticket-spitter, when I see a little boy playing with it. His father is standing nearby observing this oh-so-cute behaviour ... the kid pulls on the lever, and it spits out a ticket. The kid takes it. "Cool," I'm thinking to myself, "this guy has his kid trained to fetch a ticket for him. Maybe I will get me one of these kid things after all! I didn't know they could be trained to fetch!" But no ... the kid pulls the lever again and takes another ticket. The kid pulls the lever again and takes another ... then another ... and another. Finally, figuring that this asshole parent-wannabe isn't going to do anything, I go up to the kid and say, politely, "Excuse me," and reach in and grab the next ticket that pops out. I said "excuse me," like I was talking to a real person, not a small demon's immitation of a human being. What I wanted to say was "What the fuck are you doing you little asshole? Run over to your dad and ask him to kick your ass for me, and give me those fucking tickets!!"

Is that what this all boils down to? Grown-ups who were raised like actual people having to treat these little terrorites (yes, that's right, I said terrorites -- it wasn't a word until now) with courtesy and respect? Well, add another fucking tally to my board of "Things I hate about this fucking world"! No, make that two, because the parents piss me off, too! Actually make it three, because the parents might actually do something if it hadn't been for the dumbfucks that dictate that "If you are an adult, you are not allowed to touch a child unless you are a member of the clergy ....... Oops."

I miss the good old days of wanton corporal punishment. While I was never actually spanked as a child (my dad simply saying "I am very disappointed in you" was enough for me to break down anyway), there were times I should have been. I say we re-introduce Mr. Cane and Ms. Paddle to the educational system. Perhaps that way we could also reduce the amount of teacher strikes and lack of teachers in America.

Say it with me, folks: Spankings -- not just for adults anymore.

Danger: safety devices installed.

Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden

In yet another effort to make this little planet of ours a friendlier environment for non-Darwinists (i.e., people who are too stupid to live, yet continue to do so), governments and the private sector are making the world a safer place. Cars are safer, play grounds are safer, schools are safer, and -- get this -- even guns are safer now than they ever have been. There's safety scissors, safe and edible glue, anti-scalding devices, corner and edge bumpers, outlet covers, and things to child proof your home that you never knew you needed. Do we need all this? The answer is, of course, NO.

Here's what you do to child proof your home: keep a fucking eye on your children, people! If your kid is in need of safety-scissors, edible glue and anti-scalding devices, chances are what they really need is a parent with half a fucking clue and an attention span greater than that of a chinchilla on a caffeine high.

There are cars out there that will take the impact of driving straight into a brick wall at 60 mph. and still leave the driver alive. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? If someone is stupid enough to hit a wall at 60 mph., I don't want them driving on the same roads that I'm on! Is this so hard to understand? It's not the unsafe cars that scare me, it's the unsafe drivers that we need to eliminate, and the only way we can do that is by getting rid of the devices which keep them alive! On a separate topic, you know what really annoys me? People with bumper stickers that read "The Lord is my Co-Pilot" on cars with 24 air bags and a fire control system in the back seat! If God wants you to die horribly in a car wreck, who the fuck are you to argue?

Now, back to the subject of this post ... we child proof everything these days, and that which is not "proof-able" is made taboo. Climbing trees, for example. There are kids out there whose parents will not allow them to climb trees. They'll even go to the extremes of cutting branches or taking down the entire tree in order to "child proof" their gardens, just in case the kids don't listen to them. If you're waiting for a punch line, there isn't one, I only wish I was joking. COME ON! Kids are meant to fall down! That's how they learn to not do that stupid thing which caused them to fall down again! It's called "learning from your own mistakes," people! And those kids that don't learn from their own mistakes ... well, if they die, that's a future Enron or Adelphia scandal nipped in the bud, because if they don't learn now, chances are they're not going to start anytime soon. Our prisons are full of examples of this!

You know how people say "what if someone could go back in time and kill Hitler as a child?" Well, what if someone could go back in time and remove the outlet covers in the houses of the Columbine kids, huh? Not only would we have prevented one of the greatest disasters known to happen in an American school, we also would have prevented Michael Moore from making another movie, and if that's not a worthy endeavor, I don't know what is!

However, this increasing knack we have to cater to stupidity isn't just affecting how we drive, build our houses and raise our kids, it's sucking the fun out of life in so many more ways. Take hot dogs, for example. I know, I know, weird example, bear with me for a moment. Those of us who are old enough to remember good ol' Reagan when he was president may also remember that hot dogs just tasted better back then. Why is this? Fond memories of simpler times, fresher air and hippies begging for Twinkies on every street corner? No, not really. Legislation has been passed repeatedly over the last couple of decades which bans, restricts and otherwise prevents use of certain chemicals in food processing. These are the very same chemicals that made food taste better. That's right! But no, they're "not safe" enough for us, so we have to deal with sub-standard tasting, over-processed, safe hot dogs.

Another thing that particularly pisses me off in winter time when colds and flus lurk around every corner ... cold and cough medicine. "Non-Drowsy, alcohol free, feel better so that you can go to work and continue to be a good employee" medicine. Screw that! I want drugs that knock me out and take away all my motor functions until my cold is gone! If they've made the medicines so much better, how come I still feel like crap when I take it? I don't remember feeling this bad when I was a kid ... know why? Because I don't remember my colds when I was a kid! I got cough syrup that tasted like crap and put me in a coma for a week and a half, and if such a thing was still available, I would be chugging like an American Football fan at a tail gate! Beer-bongs? Fuck that, give me an old fashioned NyQuil-bong any day of the week, that's where the real fun is to be found!

I go through the med's isle at the local super markets looking at the labels ... "Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery." Who gives a flying fuck? I want one that says right on the front, in big, bold, red letters: "Bi-pedal locomotion not a good fucking idea, kid!"

I remember when I was a child, a happy young lad with a knack for falling down, falling over, and just plain falling. I found the fastest way down the basement stairs, I invented the most efficient way to get off of a horse, I figured out the secret behind stopping and dismounting a bike in a single motion, and I even took some shortcuts down from our plum tree back home. I've been electrocuted, I've been cut (mostly by myself), I learned the hard way that the door handle is there for a reason -- it makes it easier to leave the house without breaking down the door with your head -- and I've used it ever since. I have multiple scars caused by everything from broken glass to exercise equipment, and even a car. When I grew up there were no such safety devices like those you are expected to buy today (else have your children taken away from you), and somehow, miraculously, I'm still alive ... Neener.

Warning: Stupidity May Induce Ridicule

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

WARNING: This post may cause heart failure, stroke, epileptic attacks, increased blood pressure, lowered blood sugar, bleeding of the eyes, rectal explosion, diarrhea and brain damage. The author of this post is not responsible for any or all illnesses, injuries or bad luck caused by reading this post.

There, now that the obviously necessary disclaimer is taken care of, what is up with the stupidity anymore? Ever notice how everything has a fucking warning label? You buy a cup of coffee, and it says "Caution! Contents may be hot!" Well, I would fucking well HOPE so, that's how I ORDERED it! The sad part? IT'S NOT HOT! It's luke warm at best! Go buy a meal from McDonalds or Burger King and you'll find your hamburger to be room temperature, your fries to have no more heat to them than abucket of fresh piss. Why, you ask? Because some imbecile spilled coffee on themselves or decided to give themselves a taco-facial, then sued the owner of the establishment because they weren't warned that that may not be a good idea!

Are we really this fucking stupid? Do we not understand that we're not supposed to take a steaming hot hamburger and rub it on our genitals? Do we need a warning label for that? How about coffee? Is it beyond our realm of logic conclusion that pouring coffee on our cocks is going to HURT? If it is, then I say we fucking well DESERVE the pain! Microwaves, thanks to some inbred hick freak who tried to dry her toy poodle in one, now have to have warnings in the manual stating that one should not put live animals in microwave ovens because it may kill them. No shit? God damn, I'm glad I found out, and so is Sparky!

Toys, if you haven't looked at them recently, ALL have warning labels. A toy scooter was found with a warning label that says: "This product moves when used." Forgive my incredible ignorance, but wasn't that the whole fucking point? "Caution: flammable!" ANYTHING is flammable if you have enough heat! Why do we need flame retardant teddy bears? So that Baby's First Bic Lighter doesn't turn out to be a bad idea?

Toilet brushes that state "Do not use for personal hygiene," vending machine tacos warning us that "content may be hot when heated!" I wouldn't be surprised to find a beer bottle with a huge warning on it reading: "Caution, breaking this bottle over someones head, then stabbing them repeatedly in the face with the shards may cause injuries."

To be fair, I don't blame the labels, they don't annoy me. I don't even blame the people that put the labels there. I blame the asshole idiot that 1: was stupid enough to do something that idiotic with a harmless product to begin with, and 2: didn't have enough fucking shame in their bones to shut the hell up about it, but decided that they had to sue someone for it! Well, I'm sorry that looking into the action-end of a nailgun to see if something was stuck lost you one of your eyes, I truly am. Next time put it BETWEEN them to see if THAT works better! If nothing else, you'll at least save the rest of us some grief.

It's not just labels, you know. The asswits have also gotten into my precious cigarette packs to make a "safer cigarette." Safer? Oh, they're not talking about tar and nicotine and all that good stuff, they're talking about the actual fire part of it! Get this, they changed the paper they use to make cigarettes to not burn as well so that, if left alone, they'll self-extinguish. They found that too many people were falling asleep with their cigarettes lit, burning themselves to death. You know what that is? Natural fucking selection! Darwinism at its finest! Weeding out the idiots before they do too much damage to the rest of us! But that's makes too much sense, so now I have to re-light each cigarette three times unless I power-puff it.

Okay, an analogy if I may be permitted ... a herd of antilope are out on the African savannah (or wherever they may roam) one fine afternoon, grazing and getting some action behind a tree, having a drink at the watering hole maybe, when some lions show up ... one of the antilopes walks up to the lions to see what they want. What does nature do? Here, I'll even make it multiple choice for you.

[a] Negotiate a peace treaty between the lions and the antilope
[b] Slap a warning label on the lion which states: "Caution: this animal may attack you, leading to bleeding, crushing of the head, clawing of the anus and possibly death"
[c] KILL THE FUCKING ANTILOPE

The answer, if you haven't figured it out by now, is c. Nature doesn't fuck around with the weakest link, duct taping it back together, it eliminates it in the cruelest and most efficient way it possibly can!

If someone drinks some Raid, you may find a warning label on the can that reads something to the effect of: "Induce vomiting, see a physician immediately." What it SHOULD read is: "You make me want to vomit, see a fucking bullet."

Oh, and PS.
As much as I abhore lawyers, don't try to blame this one on them. If people had brains enough to not stick a fork into a plugged-in toaster, lawyers wouldn't have a job.

PPS.
Pepper spray cannisters are labeled: "May irritate eyes."

PPPS. A co-worker of mine just showed me a bag of toasted almonds ... it has a warning label that reads: INGREDIENTS: Toasted blanched sliced almonds. Contains the following allergen: Almonds.

Evil Bastard

Yes, yes I am. People know this to be a fact. People count on this like they count on the Simpsons entertaining them on a weekly -- nay, daily basis. So, knowing that I'm an evil bastard, why would anyone divulge information that may be abused in horrible ways, let alone a picture! Everyone knows that a picture says more than a thousand words, so why would anyone point me in the direction of a possibly incriminating image of themselves?

Because it's too easy, and he knows I like a challenge, maybe. Seriously, don't you think this is too easy? Yes, yes ...

Don't worry, be happy ...

The energy you devote to being annoyed brings you nothing of value in return.

-- Ralph Marston

Oh, kiss my ass, Ralph. The time I spend being pissed off (not annoyed, I haven't been annoyed since I had to get a fucking job and pay my own bills -- I'm way beyond annoyed at this point) is time well spent keeping my sanity from completely slipping away. It's a requisite for adult living.

Anyone else tired of "cheery"? You want to know what I really hate? Tough shit, I'm telling you anyway. I really hate people who wake up with a smile in the morning, and a strut in their step on their way to work. THAT'S NOT FUCKING NATURAL! In MY world waking up sucks, and pink bubblegum people like that belong in a fucking asylum!

Cry and the world hands you prozac, smile in the AM and I'll punch you in the mouth.

Hugs.

PS. I hate http://www.greatday.com/motivate/

Thought for the day

Never cut in line ahead of a blind man ... on your way to the urinal.